Spreading Your Pain Without Purpose

Dear Suze Q. My brother died last month after agonizing years of cancer. His wife is 20 years younger and apparently was having an affair. I picked up her phone to bring it to her last week and the text lit up with a sexual message. I’m so angry I can barely stand being around her as we dispose of his things. I think my sisters should know. He was dying and his wife was cheating! 

Dear Hurting. Your pain is understandable and maybe your sis-in-law’s behavior is despicable. But you owe it to everyone to find out the entire story or keep this your secret forever. Why hurt your sisters when they’re just going to have more questions than answers and rage? Other possibilities exist that you should consider before spreading your pain to others without purpose. Talk to a therapist or neutral third party for advice; or talk to your sis-in-law about what you saw and let her tell her side of the story. Everyone is innocent until proven guilty by facts, not by presumptions. -SQ

Too Sore To Masturbate

Dear S.Q. I like to masturbate, but sometimes toys rub a bit too hard (or I rub them too fast) and that spot is sore the next day. I’m embarrassed to tell my doctor. Advice?

Oh, dear! You just need to know your body better so you can anticipate when you’re close to that magical line where ecstasy today turns to agony tomorrow. Practice makes perfect. More lube is a quick fix, but so is edging -get close to climax, stop, check and avoid sore spots, then go for orgasm. -SQ

Scrooging?

Dear S.Q. I’m a widow in my 60s and my kids have helped me with on-line dating. I’ve seen a lady for 4 months, but she’s not “the One.” As Christmas approaches, she’s dropping hints about diamond jewelry gifts. I want to break up but I’m afraid “scrooging” is cruel and will ruin her Christmas.

Dear 60. In your day, the term was “sensible.” Why spend money and time during the festive season with someone you don’t want to be with? A civil good-bye will be hard but need not be cruel. -SQ

Breadcrumbing?

Dear Suze, I’m still a live wire in my 60s and enjoy dating now that I’m divorced. Several men say I energize them. One that I have my eye on is quite the ladies' man, but I can’t seem to pin him down for an honest or deep, intimate conversation. He gushes when we’re together, then forgets about me until the next date, maybe a week later. I’m too old for dating Joe Cool. I want Mr. Right.

Dear Ms. Right. You’re right that games are only fun if both adults want them. His “breadcrumbing” you with tidbits of compliments is annoying and immature. Estimate 100 hours to really know if someone is worth pursuing. But, early on, you can decide if there’s enough honesty, full disclosure, and intimacy to build a lasting relationship. -SQ

Dating And Sex Manual For Elder Daters

Dear S.Q. My kids had me read all the new crap on how to date. Don’t “ghost,” -just let them know you’re not interested. We need a term and dictionary definition for this? “Slow dating,” or “purposeful connections” means seriously courting one person, -allow romance to grow. Again, how do they think their mother and I managed to marry happily for 20+ years? “Catfishing” or “kittenfishing” is the new term for lying? How long does a lie hold up in an intimate relationship is a better question that only requires common sense to answer. Help, real help!

Dear Elder and Wiser, Gen X, Y, Z, etc.will learn that the past repeats itself, but to them, it's still new. Below is the first chapter of my book for your comments, scheduled to be released in 2026. -SQ

                                 CYBER FROGS AND PRINCES:  

                   A SEX MANUAL OF ON-LINE DATING AFTER 50

by

Suze Q.

 

                The names in this book have been changed to protect the innocent, and the rogues.

 

 

My journey has been splendid, beyond my expectations, like the day that I discovered that life was a double-orgasm plunge and later when I found my Prince Charming.  But, it wasn't luck that made my dreams come true; it was honing my intuition and emotional resilience to setbacks, thinking critically, and perseverance in trusting myself to forge my own future -warts and all.  Pucker up readers, let's go swimming for princes.  -SQ

 

"In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves.  The process never ends until we die.  And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility." -Eleanor Roosevelt

 

"Seventy.  They say it is the new 69," quipped Al Pacino as Aldo Gucci in the movie, House of Gucci.  This Suze Q. is now 70ish and I'm still breaking my self-imposed barriers and taking risks.  My friends and family watch me like I'm a soap opera star because they've been privy to my on-line dating adventures where success and fun really depend on how young you feel and how good you are at acting and role-playing.  

 

I believe that 70 is the new 50ish if you are in good mental and physical health, have most of your teeth and hair, and survived an overhaul or spot treatments by a cosmetic surgeon.  Improvisational skills are encouraged, as is a strong Peter Pan attitude.  Dating at this age is not for the faint of heart but with a "what's to lose other than continuing to be lonely/horny/restless for the rest of my life" attitude, you keep hoping.  The days crawl by viewing the pictures and profiles of daily victims that are selected by dating sites as scientifically matched potential partners, and you dream of "what if." 

 

Cyberdating in the second half of your life is a brutal, time-consuming and mind-numbing process to remain true to yourself.  You need to grow into and embrace the emerging true you, whether enhanced by cosmetic surgery, a new wardrobe, or an improved lust for life.  Putting yourself out there makes you question who you are and who you appear to be to others.  On dating sites, you provide pictures and a written profile in which you reveal too much or too little.  Men respond or reject you based on those scrapes of data.  I have been on five of the more popular dating sites in the past few years, and the variance seems to be mostly in the cost.  The cheaper the membership, the more ill-fitting matches result.  It seems true that you get what you pay for.  The cheap sites attract more people that increase the number of available men outside your wish list parameters in terms of personality, distance, education, etc., and all importantly, sky-rockets the percentage and sophistication of scams.

 

Three years before I took the plunge into cyber-dating, I met guys through our mutual interests, on-line gaming.  Specifically cards, Texas Hold 'Em and Spades.  Guys love me.  Sometime I'm just a number, but Suze Q is the moniker that I use on most card game sites.  Her picture is the portrait of a luscious redhead with sky blue eyes, somewhere in her late 20s, early 30s.  Nothing like me in reality, except in my heart and mind.  These sites are easy places to practice being a chameleon.  In the chat-rooms, the guys would inevitably ask my age and if I was married.  I took on the role of being their mirror.  If he was in his 40s, 50s, 60s, I was the same.  Widowed, married, separated, divorced -me too.  I viewed the still married or separated guys as lab rats for me to practice my seductive skills.  After all, this was Fantasyland and we were just having innocent fun.

 

When I became serious about adding a companion to my life, I bought a membership for one of the more popular dating sites for professionals over the age of 50.  I tweaked my mimic techniques by imagining that I was the other half of what the dating site gave me as my "daily matches." Whatever his profile said he sought, be it a soul-mate, playmate, or best friend, I became this person for the moment.  When he defined his ideal, I lived inside that woman briefly, allowing myself to transform into those attributes.  Mostly it was a self-test to see if I was comfortable in her shoes.  I read his profile history to understand why he was on this dating site at this point in his life, and I imagined that I was his fantasy woman.  I asked myself if I would be happy fitting into his daily world.  If so, I sent him a smile or message, crossed my fingers and hoped for a positive reply. 

My successes were fun, short-lived affairs but harvested no princes.  But, all of the frogs that I have kissed have honed the sensitivity on my bullshit meter.  These experiences I share with you.   

When Men Were Men and Sheep Were Scared

Dear Suze Q, My aging macho husband has illnesses that robbed his libido. He's impotent and we can’t find a cure. That added stress and sleeping problems. He’s depressed that he can’t sexually please me. We have to stop this train wreck! 

Dear Wife, Your husband’s problems have snowballed and need professional help pronto. His medical issues have multiplied to psychological problems (depression, low self-esteem and eroded self-confidence?), and, physiological (sleeping, eating and energy issues). Short-term mental health counseling can address all the non-medical issues, while the MD works on erectile functioning. -SQ

How Did You Receive The Foreigner?

Dear Suze Q. I need to rant. My dad’s caregiver is moving back to the Philippines, afraid of ICE. I’ve offered to find an immigration attorney but she thinks this will expose her further. Trump’s campaign promise of a tax credit for family caregivers wasn’t true, and now slashing Medicaid is a financial catastrophe. Most caregivers are immigrants! At the end of days, God will ask how we welcomed them. I’m ashamed of America’s answer. 

Dear Christian, Amen and good luck. -SQ