Your first encounter with a possible companion is usually a picture or two and a few words of self-description. The five on-line dating sites that I have used over the years (Match, EliteSingles, Silver Singles, OurTime, and SeniorMatch), vary in their profile questionnaires. Some of the surveys are pretty basic and provide you with limited information. Others tout that they are scientifically matching you to a partner and their written inquisitions take hours to totally completed. But, I think you reap what you put into that effort. Often, frogs that put little thought into words on their profile aren't much deeper in three dimension. Here's some thoughts for your reality check.
* Does his picture look photoshopped? Unnatural, like he just stepped off a movie set? Keep an eye on this one even if you drop him a message and he responds kindly.
* Throw trivia his way. See if he knows what he should based on what he wrote in his profile. Ask details about his education, profession, and where he was raised or traveled. Probe about things that are specific to him but are not easily Googled. If he went to college or was in the military, ask where he lived during that time. Jot down the information to keep your guys straight.
* Learn his history. Who he was bears heavily of who he has become, and who he will evolve into in later years. Ask about his family and friends. He said that he had siblings or that he lived in certain places growing up. Are the stories consistent as he repeats them and adds more details?
* Before you meet, decide if you want to view him on FaceTime, Zoom, WhatsApp, or whatever video chat platform you like. It can save you from those extremely embarrassing moments when he looks nothing like his pictures and crushing disappointment is written all over your face. Plus you can ball up your fists and he will never see them. But, be careful not to clench your teeth or scream with pain if you're planning to dump him with civility.
* Wangle his phone number and last name. Run a reverse phone directory and an internet search. Sometimes a picture pops up that you can match to the ones on his dating site. Without paying a dime, you can find out valuable information such as his current and previous addresses, whether he rents or owns, and his business history. Check Yelp reviews, Facebook and other social media.
* Talk on the phone. Texting isn't enough. Is his voice or accent grating to your ears, and something that you can never get used to? Does he dominate the conversation talking about himself or are you doing the heavy lifting to keep the dialogue moving? Add this to your list of his pros and cons?
* Check that he's in the time zone that he says he is. Is he an early riser but the time stamp on his messages say 3 a.m.?
* Ask hard questions: 1) Physical health: any chronic illnesses or disabilities, STDs, drug/alcohol addictions, snore? 2) Mental health: ever been in counseling and why, inpatient or outpatient, every dangerous to self or others? 3) Intimacy health: ever unfaithful, and why did he break up with past partners. What are his current relationships with his exs and children? 4) Anger issues: how does he solve conflicts? 5) Legal issues: any police record, lawsuits past or pending? 6) Financials: ever file bankruptcy? How much outstanding debt does he have? Who does he financially support? Can he support himself? Can he support you too? 😊
* Check if he has a soft heart: Is he generous or stingy? Selfish? What is his attitude toward the less fortunate/animals/children/elderly/waitstaff (what percentage does he usually tip)? His tipping habits seems innocuous and fairly easy to determine once you actually meet, but it reveals nuggets of gold about his capacity to empathize.
* Even if you think he's safe to meet, protect yourself. I send my brother the guy's picture and a short bio before every date in case the police need to track me down as missing. One friend has someone call her 30 minutes into the date to share a secret signal that she's unharmed, and gives her an option to bail because of some fake emergency.
* If you meet in person, develop "situation awareness" that includes the following: assess the 360 degrees of your physical environment using all of your senses, including your peripheral vision, and identify what seems normal or not. Locate and gauge any level of danger, and imagine an appropriate plan. Maintain your focus and attention until you've determined if the possible threat is real or not. Don't ignore something unusual because it seems unlikely to be a threat. Trust your gut feelings. It may be overkill, but I try to sit with my back to a wall and near an exit so that I have a clear view of what and who is in front of me and time to react if need be. Watch your guy's body language. Is he tense and squirrelly? A bit too irritable? Unfocused? Clueless of personal space and seems to want to sit on your lap? If all seems normal, which most likely it is, relax and enjoy yourself. I know that this paragraph sounds like the scary advice your parents gave you on your first date all those decades ago, but, same was true then as it is now. Know your environment and trust yourself.
* Don't feel guilty if he questions why you are checking his bona fides. (Latin for good faith, it means a sincere intention to be fair, open, and honest, regardless of the outcome of the interaction). Think of it as he's worthy enough for you to take the time to see if he's the One. Then tell him some cool reason why you "trust but verify."
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