Is ‘I Don’t Remember’ A Legitimate Excuse?

Dear Suze Q. If I mislead, or omit information in my exclusive relationship, is it a lie? 

Dear Liar, In law, not knowing the rules is not a legitimate excuse for breaking them. In relationships, I don’t remember, I’m not sure, or any other evasion of the truth is the same as “pleading the 5th” (amendment of the US Constitution that follows “on the grounds that it may incriminate me.”) In a relationship worth preserving, the ground rules should include: I affirm to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Period, no if, and, or buttheads. -SQ

Turn Bad Stress Into Good Stress

Dear Suze, When there’s a change in my morning, I worry and can’t sleep well the night before. Help!

Dear Anxious, Stress/anxiety comes from “feeling” lack of control. Break tasks down to manageable steps, and follow the plan. Ex: Problem: have to leave house by 8 a.m. Plan: sleep 7+ hours, and set 1 or 2 alarm for x a.m. Allow 30 minutes for breakfast and private time. Allow x minutes to shit/shower/shave/dress, etc. Leave on time. Plan the work and work the plan. -SQ

My Friend’s An Antivaxxer

Dear Suz, My son’s school friend’s family are antivaxxers. The mom spouted some disinformation conspiracy theory, and laughed when I corrected her “facts.” We declined recent offers to socialize, (mostly because they’re nuts). She pressed me, so I told her that her family puts my family’s health in jeopardy. She was mad and hung up. What to do? 

Dear Vaxxer, Ending the adults’ relationship because of a phone hang up seems childish. Perhaps drop a text that you’re sorry she’s mad, and propose that the kids play at school, or at each other’s homes. Omit the part about the parents getting together, and see what happens naturally. Family time is too precious to waste on negative experiences. -SQ

My Neighbor Abuses Their Dog

Dear Suze Q. I’m afraid of my neighbors rage, but I need to do something. Her dog is usually outside on a rope with the only shelter a concrete slab under a tree, and dry water and food bowls.  The Humane Society came once with no change.

Dear Neighbor, Report “suspicion” of abuse, anonymously, or better yet give your information to help investigators be thorough. Take pictures, videos with times and date of abuse. Multiple reports to the animal control agency is the key for investigators to document a paper trail. Get others to join in your quest to save this dog’s life, but do not put yourself in danger by confronting the neighbor directly. -SQ

Wrong Therapist, Wrong Results

Dear S.Q. I don’t trust much, but here goes. I’ve been in therapy with different therapist for years. The only thing consistent, other than dissecting my childhood, is that I apparently don’t try hard enough. I have to change my attitude in order to improve. 

Dear Frustrated, All therapies and therapists are not the same. There are bad therapists, and mismatches between therapists and clients. Then there’s the wrong therapy for a client. Imagine if weight loss or stop smoking philosophy was: you’ll make your goal when you want it badly enough. Hell no! They believe change your behavior and you’ll meet your goals. If you want change, find a counselor that specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy, which is short-term, structured and collaborative. But if you like scraping your soul raw and using up that Kleenex box, stick with the myriad of therapeutic disciplines that offer never-ending “process.” -SQ

Is It Better Not To Know?

Dear Suze Q. I suspect that my wife is having sex encounters. I’m much older and don’t have the strength to go through another divorce, or argument. I’m just lucky we had these happy years together. 

Dear Older, What do you have the strength to do? Ignore it, talk with someone, accept it? Maybe ignorance is bliss -but it might eat at you with internal symptoms like ulcers, or external problems like anger. Many May-December marriages renegotiate when sexual dysfunction occurs. If your marriage has been honest, why not talk about the penis in the room? -SQ

All Truths Are Not Equal

Dear S.Q. My 12-y.o. wants to know why we’re divorcing. Should I tell about her mother’s cheating?

Dear Dad, Tell her ZERO about her mother’s affairs. Tell the basics, without blame. Ex: we married young and 20 years later we’d grown apart and out of love. NOT: Your lying scumbag other parent had affairs. 

If she wants to know more, judge what to tell her and how much. She’s a CHILD, and your job is to protect her from the crap in this world. Like peeling an onion, too much of the truth leaves a stinky taste in your mouth that’s hard to swallow. Don’t fall into the trap of trash talking your spouse because 1) half your kid’s DNA is that parent, 2) let your kid come to her own conclusion if someone is to blame, 3) be the parent. Your CHILD is hurting and needs comfort. Don’t add more anger and heartache by dumping your feelings onto her, or lie to yourself that she’s old enough to know your version of “the truth.” -SQ