No More Chances

Dear Suze, I’ve met a guy on a dating app and we talk and flirt all the time. He lives a few hours away but has family near me so we decided to meet when he came my way. He’s been here twice in the last few months to help his nephew move to college. He didn’t call, stop by, or even tell me until afterwards, because they were spontaneous “bounce trips,” and he needed to get home to work. I didn’t push, but I was pissed. How many chances should I give?

Dear Not Pushy, He didn’t give you the courtesy of a heads up, but just a condescending “f*uck you” after he returned home. TWICE! Why wait for #3? -SQ

What To Do with Old Phone Contacts (Not Family)

Dear Suze Q, I've been to six funerals/memorials this year and it's only September. The (stressful) holidays are still a few months away. I'm 77, in good health, and plan to be around another 10 years, maybe. What do I do with phone contacts of my dead friends and acquaintances?

Dear Still Alive, Do what you want; there is no right or wrong. And at 77, hopefully, no one is judging you, and that you don't give a shit if they are. Eliminating the last tangible bits of someone, like their contact information, will leave you with only memories and pictures. This is part of healing, pack all those experiences in long-term memory storage to make room for newly forming and future events. 

But, grieving and letting go are processes some avoid (hit delete and be done with the contact link), and others indulge (call one last time to hear, "You have reached a non-working number.") Some can't bear to destroy the final threads, so the contacts remains in your phone. Find your own peace. -SQ

What To Do with Old Phone Contacts (Family)

Dear Suze, I’m old enough to remember spiral-bound address books with refillable pages. Some old friends have many crossed-out addresses from when I knew them since high school! And, I still use this leasther bound book as back-up to losing my phone. My mother’s in hospice and it’s time to take her off the family phone plan. Tips?

Sympathies for your family. So many details and to-do lists will follow, so keep track. Transfer of billing responsibility (TOBR) often requires a copy of the death certificate for many things including the phone company, banking, credit cards. Many of these companies require codes, passwords, and sometimes two-factor authentication (2FA) that people store on their phones, so keep the phone live until all those details are sorted out. Fidelity, AARF, Experian (credit reporting agency) and others have free on-line checklists of what to do immediately -through months after someone’s death. Don't do anything with old contacts until, and unless, you're ready. -SQ

Memowrite Your Memoirs

Dear S.Q., I’m not a 70+ y.o. old fuddy-duddy. I danced with flowers in my hair in Haight-Ashbury during San Francisco’s Summer of Love and two years later popped champagne cheering the moon landing. We protested illegal wars in foreign lands, and burned our bras when friends returned in body bags or committed suicide with PTSD. We were jailed when fighting for civil rights. We mourned the murders of JFK, Malcolm, Martin, and Bobby. And this was just the 1960s! What’s a good way to leave my kids my memoir of “Now That I’m Dead, I’ll Tell You the Dirty Details.”

Dear Hip Hippie, Great book title, and I’m sure your memories will be equally bold. Surf the internet for overwhelming options to tell your story. You can GO BIG  by self-publishing, maybe with a ghost writer (reedsy.com is an on-line company with hundreds of professionals to fulfill your needs). Go MeDiUm by videotaping while you storytell. Memowrite is a 100% on-line company where a live body answered their phone on a Sunday night! Unfortunately, she couldn't tell me who owned the company, and I couldn’t locate anything written about them legally, only that their reviews were stellar. Memowrite has your loved ones write or record their memories, helped with 50 guided questions that the parent answers. Memowrite's AI will publish your book after it “turns spoken memories into written stories. Every answer is gently polished into a chapter that still sounds exactly like them." (Then, because AI can duplicate all your family’s voices, expect impersonation scams, phishing calls, investment scams… But, I digress…). Or go small, gather the family, share a few gummies or favorite indulgences and chat until the wee hours. Let the good times re-roll! -SQ                                

A Psychologist’s Reveal: Duty to Warn, (Part 2)*

This limited series runs Fridays and Saturdays 5 p.m. PST to demystify the profession of psychology. The world is confusing enough with scamps and scoundrels peddling fake whatever that help from trained, experienced psychologists should be easy-peasy. Your comments and questions are encouraged. -SQ

In Part 1 of this series, I wrote about psychologists Code of Ethics and particularly Confidentiality, a cornerstone of our profession. The doctor-patient (client) privilege asserts that the adult patient holds the privilege of whether the psychologist can discussion therapy issues with third parties or not. The therapist role is fixed; zero discussion is allowed without explicit informed consent from the client. But, there are exceptions, as mandated or allowed by law, in which the client's consent is not required and the psychologist will communicate with third parties. One of these exceptions is for the protection of the client or others from harm.  

I'll give you the historical short-form of how this duty arose, but it's a fascinating read if you have the time. Treating professionals need to understand their state's specific laws around this issue as more recent cases have added additional professional responsibilities. Tarasoff v Regents of the University of California established the legal precedent for the duty to warn in 1976 when a psychologist (Ph.D.), under the supervision of a psychiatrist (M.D.) was convinced that his patient might try to kill Tatiana Tarasoff. The psychologist had the UC-Berkeley campus police detain Poddar (his patient) to begin civil commitment. The police did not detain Poddar, feeling that he was rational. The supervising psychiatrist also felt there was no basis to commit Poddar. Two months later, Poddar murdered Tarasoff. Her parents sued, asserting that the psychologist, psychiatrist, and university had a responsibility to do more, including warning Tatiana Tarasoff directly that she was in danger. The Court agreed with the parents, concluding that there was a duty to warn identifiable victims, although not necessarily a duty to restrain, or commit, a patient who might pose a threat to identifiable or non-identifiable victims. Our professional code is "do no harm" and protecting others is part of this code. -SQ 

*This information is based on California rules and laws. 

A Psychologist’s Reveal: Confidentiality (Part 1)*

This limited series will run Fridays and Saturdays 5 p.m. (PST) to demystify the profession of psychology. The world is confusing enough with misinformation, scams, and scamps that help from trained, experienced psychologists should be as user-friendly as possible. Your comments and questions are encouraged. -SQ

Dear Readers, All Psychologists operate under strict Ethical Principles and Code of Conduct as core requirements set out by the American Psychological Association. There is no wiggle room for compliance or not. We are secret-keepers and lives can depend on our adherence to the rules. If we are unsure in some situation, our profession mandates that we seek consultation from those that know. Principle 4 establishes that all confidential information is to be protected, and the limits and foreseeable uses are to be discussed at the onset of the relationship. Release of confidential information requires informed consent, so be assured that no psychologist will speak to anyone unless authorized ahead of time. We can't even acknowledge that we know you. Some confidential information can be released without the consent of the individual as mandated by law, or allowed by law, for such reasons as: obtain payment for services; protect client or others from harm; professional consultations; or provide other professional services. 

As a clinical and forensic (legal) psychologist, the inside joke is that we see good people at their worst, as opposed to attorneys who see bad people (criminals and such) acting their best. So, we’re the good guys helping good people be, and feel, better. It falls naturally that our professional motto, like that of physicians is “first, do not harm.” Our education is rigorous, a four-year college degree plus another four-years of post-graduate college, with 3,000 hours of supervised experience before you are licensed, and another 1,500 hours post-doctoral. And if you make it that far and passed the state licensing test, THEN you are a Ph.D. (Doctor of Psychology) and can hang out your shingle. -SQ

*This information is based on California rules and laws.

5 Steps of A Con Game

Dear Readers, Stories abound of people conned by shysters who are slick as dog shit (short con) or crooks that are persistent as stalkers (long con). I've had the questionable pleasure of watching three swindlers try to con me while I wrote my book of dating after 50. The FBI is the lead investigating agency for the US (form IC3) and estimates that 2026 Romance Scams will top 630K "cybercriminals" with losses in the billions. 

The Con begins with:

* Identify and size up the "mark" - who is vulnerable (looking for romance on dating apps is a big pond).

* Gain the "mark's" trust - con appeared attractive, successful with similar values and experiences. Seems trustworthy and almost perfect. Lathers constant attention and flattery.

* Isolate the "mark" - quickly moves to private phone calls and text. Says to keep relationship secret from friends/family who might criticize. (When you are secluded and unable to air your doubts, the only one left to trust is your con man.)

*The Hurrah: His sudden crisis forces the victim to make a rash decision, usually financial. Intent is to create worry and urgency in the victim to go "all in" the relationship.  

*The Financial Demand: Lending him $ is the only way to save the relationship. (Repeated) requests for untraceable $ (gift cards, electronic transfer, cyptocurrency), in exchange for repayment with interest/marriage/a week in Rio...

Then they disappear and so does your money, with no real recourse for recovery. Live and learn never tasted so bitter. Read my real life experiences in my debut book, Cyber Frogs And Princes: A Sex Manual Of On-Line Dating After 50, by Suze Q. Available on Amazon, Google Books, Walmart and other fine vendors. Not yet available in Rio.  -SQ