“Vinegar Valentine”

Dear Suze Q., I’m in a hateful mood. I’ve exclusively dated a guy for 7 months and bought him a really nice gift. I asked if he’d made dinner reservations because Valentine’s is Saturday night. He blurted out that he was seeing someone else and our relationship was over. No f*ucking warning! What can I do?

Dear Jilted. Post him a “Vinegar Valentine?” Instead of sweet romance, the big diss in the 1840’s Victorian era was a cheeky card decorated with an unflattering picture and insulting poem. Almost 200 years later, speech and insults are still legal in the U.S., though you might consider this too mean. Maybe send a dozen dead roses? Be creative. -SQ

Judge Judy Called…

Dear Suze Q. I think our daughter’s fiancé lied that he was on Judge Judy a few years ago after he bought a purebred Manx at a cat show for $1,000.00, sued the breeder and WON because they couldn’t produce proof of a pedigree with registration papers. The story was outrageous with free airfare, hotel, and tours of Los Angeles. How can I verify? 

Dear Skeptic, The Judge Judy entertainment show that ended in 2021 did not have the normal legal rights afforded in a U.S. court of law. Both litigants voluntarily agreed to waive their rights to any other legal proceeding, and the judge’s ruling was final in “binding arbitration.” It was a win-win for both parties because even if you lost, the show’s producers paid the litigant that won. Yes, both parties received an appearance fee for being on the show, airfare and hotel expenses. This was Hollywood remember. To verify your to-be-son-in-law’s claim, search YouTube episodes, or purchase options through Amazon or iTunes. Absolutely could be a true story, even if the cat’s lineage isn’t. -SQ

How To Know S(he) Is The One?

Dear Suze, I’m 70+, been married, divorced, glamorous, dowdy, lazy, ambitious. I’ve been everything and I still like myself. But auditioning for a new life partner wears me out. Can you narrow it down to a couple real things, instead of the zillion questions on dating questionnaires?

Dear 70+, Here are my 5 top questions to which you must say yes without hesitation. Do you feel good about yourself when you’re with him/her? Does s(he) add to your life in all the important ways (and you to theirs)? Are your differences healthily discussed and resolved without secrets? Are you uncomplicated friends? Is life definitely better with them? Add your own criteria. -SQ

Patriots Owner Tracks 350 Million Websites!

Dear S.Q. I chuckled when a social media site warned me against the word "cocky." Apparently, AI doesn’t know a penis from an adjective.  But, I went apeshit with the Super Bowl half-time ad that Robert Kraft ran by collaborating with the software company, Brandwatch, that monitors online content of over 350 million global websites. WTF? Who made him king to gather our private info like this? Trump, Musk, Russia make freedom impossible in the US.  Kraft’s hope to stop hate speech may be righteous, but aren’t these methods illegal?

Dear Super Bowl fan, Brandwatch (a U.K. company) is a social media platform that provides analytics to stockholders on market trends and consumer behavior. Totally legal. Buckle up. Hootsuite (Canadian), a similar company that tracks 50 million more websites and 140 more languages than Brandwatch, just acquired Talkwalker (a social media management and industry's  best "social listening" company)!  Terrified yet?  -SQ

Exfoliate

Dear S.Q. My favorite comedian, Jim Jefferies, touts that men have naturally great skin (actually the skit is about lactose intolerance). My husband thought it was hilarious, and swears that men’s smooth face is from exfoliating by shaving daily, while women waste thousands of dollars on creams over a lifetime to reclaim youthful skin. Is he right?

Dear J. J. Lover, (FYI, me too). Your husband’s right depending on who you ask. Skincare companies say a softener is needed for that extra close shave to avoid razor burn, and rid ingrown hairs and blackheads, so shaving alone won’t do the trick. But, common observation seems to confirm your husband’s words. Another inequality between the sexes. But hey, can his breasts beat yours? I hope not. 😘 -SQ

Sexual Wellness Products

Dear S.Q., my partner and I were checking out sex toys and found at Wild Flower a bunch of remote controlled sex toys for men, but their ads were about removing “gendering.” Toys and “intimate gear” are for body parts, not gender, they say. My wife loves her clit vibrator, but I don’t have a clit. Would she love my cock ring vibrator even though she doesn’t have a cock? Or just marketing BS? 

Dear Potato, po-ta-toe. “Sexual wellness product” versus “sex toy.” Rebranding, relabeling, redesigning product labels are to increase appeal and suck in new target markets. Did it work on you? -SQ

The Corna

Dear Suze, I nearly got mobbed at a rock concert in Mexico where I punched the air with the American gesture to tell the band I thought they were fantastic. You know, the first and baby fingers raised and your thumb holding down your 3rd and 4th fingers. What’s the deal?

Dear Culturally Clueless, when traveling abroad, one needs to be aware of body language. The Corna is a dangerous insult, and extremely rude hand gesture that comes from the Latin word for horns and implies cuckoldry. It tells other men that you’re sleeping with their wife. Commonly offensive in Mediterranean and Latin cultures, -countries like France, Greece, Spain, Mexico, Portugal, Brazil. -SQ