Ice Cube Lube, Book Excerpt, Page 387

 

A painfully touchy subject is elder sex, so I've addressed this messy topic several times in my book along with charming, fun, feel-good tips and quips. Page 387, 👀, "Bleeding is fairly common due to excessive dryness and vaginal tissue thinning when women haven't had sex for a prolonged period of time. The internet offers a slue of remedies, but the one I chose, that worked like a charm, was homemade coconut oil ice cube vaginal suppositories: freeze 100% coconut oil from your local grocer in an ice cube tray, preferably one with two-inch long cylindrical cubes. Place a towel under your bottom because you will leak when the cubes melt. Insert two cubes per night for a week or so and voila! You have a renewed, supple, self-lubricating vagina." -SQ

Cyber Frogs and Princes: A Sex Manual Of On-Line Dating After 50  by Suze Q is available for your licking, opps, I meant liking.  

Stalking or Annoying?

Dear Suze Q, Mo has been a f*ck-buddy for a year while I dated others. Recently, he said he’s only dated me and wants to be exclusive. He got mad when I laughed and said no way. He contacts me incessantly to get me to change my mind. I’m beyond annoyed, and my friends say he’s stalking me. Is he? I want to stop all contact.

Dear NoMo, Stalking is a crime, legally defined as involving threats or harassment that causes fear. If his behavior escalates to this level, seek legal protection. For now, the power is up to you to tell him: 1) do not contact you ever again, or you will make a report to the police; 2) YOU -do not respond ever again to any contact; 3) if he contacts you, directly or indirectly (through another person, sending gifts, social posting to get your attention), report to the authorities immediately. Say what you mean, mean what you say. -SQ

Love Me, Love My Family

Dear SQ,  I recently broke up with a longtime, live-in gf. She had more money than I and she didn’t mind using on fun things for the two of us. I overlooked that she never liked and shunned my teen, but now I’m hearing how much others disliked her for this. Have I damaged my daughter?

Dear Dad, If others were bothered by this rude treatment of your daughter, why weren’t you? Her health and safety, psychological and physical, are your primary job. Now, you must understand and correct what pain may have been done. Good on you for recognizing this could be a wound far into your daughter’s future. See a mental health professional together because you can’t afford any more big parenting blunders. -SQ

When To Remove Yourself

Dear S.Q. My partner and I spend hours brainstorming her sister’s marital woes that she drags us into even though 99% of our advice is ignored. Her sis hates conflict, and the husband denies problems even when they turn into arguments and he asks to sleep on our couch. Their intrusions are impacting our relationship.

Dear Aware, Propping up their marriage would be labor intensive even for a professional. Skill deficits (not knowing fair fighting techniques) + denying problems exist are not easily fixed. You need to protect your own relationship and step-back from arm-chair therapy. Otherwise, your relationship may fail too from lack of a healthy balance. -SQ

“I’m Not Married To My Phone!”

Dear S.Q.  My elderly father misses most of my calls. He jokes that he’s “not married” to his phone, but I know it’s because he’s deaf as a pouty teenager, even with his hearing aids.  He gets mad when I try to teach him how to text, so we’re at a stand-off because I’m pissed too. 

Dear Good Daughter, Put yourself in Dad’s spot and ask why he’s mad and at whom. Most likely he’s mad at himself and his failing abilities. And embarrassed. Make sure his hearing aids are synched with his phone, and his phone has a large keypad for typing. If he won’t let you teach him, take him to his phone carrier and have a tech help him. -SQ

No Sex In A While?

 

Dear Suze Q, After 30 years of marriage, my wife and I have sex less than once a month. She says it sometimes hurts even with a lot of lube. We're only in our 60s and I'm sick of the excuses. I reminded her that before our grown kids, we had sex often and everywhere. She smiled. I'm going to insist on more sex, have an affair, or get a divorce.  How to tell her?

Dear Sexy, Before you make an ultimatum you can't take back, decide if you want to stay married or is this just an excuse to divorce. If you want to stay together but the "rustimess factor" has slowed down the lovemaking (thin, dry vaginal walls that hurt when rubbed, sex positions that give you aches not ecstasy, and fatigue instead of  climax), get some help. A few quick therapy sessions will loosen you right up on tips and touches. -SQ   

Out Of Aces

Dear Suze, I’ve had a great life living on the edge as a gambler. I’ve never lost a fight until now. My wife died years ago, and at 81, the doc said my cancer is back for the third time. Family and friends think I’m in remission, and I don’t plan to tell them otherwise. The plan is to put my affairs in order, sell everything, and take a year’s world cruise. When I’m too sick of traveling, or too sick to travel further, I’ll get off the boat and spend my final days in some Margaritaville. Don’t placate me, S.Q., just tell me if I’m missing anything that would... 

Dear Aces, By your own rules, you played the game right. I’d just add -there will be those who figure out your plan. Lie to them if you want, or confide in those few who you might like to invite to your final Margarita party. -SQ