Sexual Wellness Products

Dear S.Q., my partner and I were checking out sex toys and found at Wild Flower a bunch of remote controlled sex toys for men, but their ads were about removing “gendering.” Toys and “intimate gear” are for body parts, not gender, they say. My wife loves her clit vibrator, but I don’t have a clit. Would she love my cock ring vibrator even though she doesn’t have a cock? Is this just marketing bullshit? 

Dear Potato, po-ta-toe. “Sexual wellness product” versus “sex toy.” Rebranding, relabeling, redesigning product labels are to increase appeal and suck in new target markets. Did it work on you? -SQ

The Corna

Dear Suze, I nearly got mobbed at a rock concert in Mexico where I punched the air with the American gesture to tell the band I thought they were fantastic. You know, the first and baby fingers raised and your thumb holding down your 3rd and 4th fingers. What’s the deal?

Dear Culturally Clueless, when traveling abroad, one needs to be aware of body language. The Corna is a dangerous insult, and extremely rude hand gesture that comes from the Latin word for horns and implies cuckoldry. It tells other men that you’re sleeping with their wife. Commonly offensive in Mediterranean and Latin cultures, -countries like France, Greece, Spain, Mexico, Portugal, Brazil. -SQ

The Eye Of The Beholder

Dear Suze, Hard to believe I’ve lived this long and still run into otherwise lovely people disgusted by looks. One of my family is scruffy, with bad eyesight and near deaf. His tongue hangs out and his tail hangs between his legs because the world is scary to him. We’re both in our 70 and I love him dearly knowing he only has a few more years to live. I’ve dated lots of men who avoid him, and joke, “that’s a face only a mother could love!” “You should enter him into an ugly contest!” I never speak to them again. Am I as rotten as they are?

Dearie, These men were rude but do you disagree, that by common standards, he is an ugly dog?  Are you upset they joke about him, or worse, that they avoid him? The eye of the beholder may see things differently, but the heart of the beholder is what counts. Look deeper as to your suitor's capacity to see beyond and love imperfections. -SQ

Nosocomephobia

Dear Suze, Am I the only idiot that’s afraid of hospitals? My dad went to the hospital with pneumonia when I was young and never came home. My Alzheimer Mom begged to not be hospitalized when she broke her hip. She refused to work hard in PT, transferred to a care facility and died. 

Dearie, Approximately 10% of the population has nosocomephobia, described as the excessive fear of hospitals, often rooted in unresolved trauma associated with pain, illness, and death. Without treatment it can generalize to a host of fears related to the distress such as doctors (Iatrophobia), medical facilities, lab coats, injections, etc. Cognitive Behavior Therapy is the most effective therapeutic approach to eliminating fears and phobias. -SQ 

She’s A Hugger

Dear Suze Q. This old age is a crock, especially the celibacy part, but finding a companion is exhausting. The fakes want me to buy them happiness, the self-indulged want praise, those struck in glory days are broken records of boring drivel. One good woman I date is a hugger. I’m not used to that but I’m getting to like it, and her.

Dear Old, You’ve labeled a lot of people. Are you inflexible and set in your ways? If so, a hugger may be exactly what you need to soften you and help you live longer. Human touch is a primal need, -infants can die without it. Surf the internet for the benefit of touch. And who knows, even a crusty old guy like you might not be celibate much longer. -SQ

Gray (Re)Marriage

Dear Suze Q. I found my forever companion in my 60s. How do I introduce him? Boyfriend, companion, friend? All sound so lame. He wants me to call him husband but to marry again at this late stage? 

Dear 60, The US average age for first marriage is 29-years-old according to 2023 Pew Research data, and divorce is 8 years later. Skip ahead and you get a gray (or silver) divorce, because you stuck it out 30+ years with #1 spouse or had a few in between. Now comes “gray” re-marriage. Not to get pregnant and raise a brood, but for companionship. This time to ward off depression, loneliness, mental/physical decline from aging. Get remarried if you want your partner to have rights to critical things as you slide towards the end of life: power of attorney over your health, and wealth. Consider if your heirs will argue bitterly after your death, so plan wisely. -SQ

No Tattoo Me

Dear Suze Q. My college bff wants her bridesmaids to have matching tattoo roses (her new last name), so we can all remember the day. Everyone’s in but me. I think it’s the dumbest, most selfish thing ever. My dad’s on his third wife, so I don’t much trust permanence, be it ink or marriage.

Dear Doubter, Tell, don’t ask, the bride that you’re against inking your body and why. Agree to her design with a custom, non-permanent tattoo (lasting 2-10 days) from Inkbox, Noonah, etc. -SQ