My Friend’s An Antivaxxer

Dear Suz, My son’s school friend’s family are antivaxxers. The mom spouted some disinformation conspiracy theory, and laughed when I corrected her “facts.” We declined recent offers to socialize, (mostly because they’re nuts). She pressed me, so I told her that her family puts my family’s health in jeopardy. She was mad and hung up. What to do? 

Dear Vaxxer, Ending the adults’ relationship because of a phone hang up seems childish. Perhaps drop a text that you’re sorry she’s mad, and propose that the kids play at school, or at each other’s homes. Omit the part about the parents getting together, and see what happens naturally. Family time is too precious to waste on negative experiences. -SQ

My Neighbor Abuses Their Dog

Dear Suze Q. I’m afraid of my neighbors rage, but I need to do something. Her dog is usually outside on a rope with the only shelter a concrete slab under a tree, and dry water and food bowls.  The Humane Society came once with no change.

Dear Neighbor, Report “suspicion” of abuse, anonymously, or better yet give your information to help investigators be thorough. Take pictures, videos with times and date of abuse. Multiple reports to the animal control agency is the key for investigators to document a paper trail. Get others to join in your quest to save this dog’s life, but do not put yourself in danger by confronting the neighbor directly. -SQ

Wrong Therapist, Wrong Results

Dear S.Q. I don’t trust much, but here goes. I’ve been in therapy with different therapist for years. The only thing consistent, other than dissecting my childhood, is that I apparently don’t try hard enough. I have to change my attitude in order to improve. 

Dear Frustrated, All therapies and therapists are not the same. There are bad therapists, and mismatches between therapists and clients. Then there’s the wrong therapy for a client. Imagine if weight loss or stop smoking philosophy was: you’ll make your goal when you want it badly enough. Hell no! They believe change your behavior and you’ll meet your goals. If you want change, find a counselor that specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy, which is short-term, structured and collaborative. But if you like scraping your soul raw and using up that Kleenex box, stick with the myriad of therapeutic disciplines that offer never-ending “process.” -SQ

Is It Better Not To Know?

Dear Suze Q. I suspect that my wife is having sex encounters. I’m much older and don’t have the strength to go through another divorce, or argument. I’m just lucky we had these happy years together. 

Dear Older, What do you have the strength to do? Ignore it, talk with someone, accept it? Maybe ignorance is bliss -but it might eat at you with internal symptoms like ulcers, or external problems like anger. Many May-December marriages renegotiate when sexual dysfunction occurs. If your marriage has been honest, why not talk about the penis in the room? -SQ

All Truths Are Not Equal

Dear S.Q. My 12-y.o. wants to know why we’re divorcing. Should I tell about her mother’s cheating?

Dear Dad, Tell her ZERO about her mother’s affairs. Tell the basics, without blame. Ex: we married young and 20 years later we’d grown apart and out of love. NOT: Your lying scumbag other parent had affairs. 

If she wants to know more, judge what to tell her and how much. She’s a CHILD, and your job is to protect her from the crap in this world. Like peeling an onion, too much of the truth leaves a stinky taste in your mouth that’s hard to swallow. Don’t fall into the trap of trash talking your spouse because 1) half your kid’s DNA is that parent, 2) let your kid come to her own conclusion if someone is to blame, 3) be the parent. Your CHILD is hurting and needs comfort. Don’t add more anger and heartache by dumping your feelings onto her, or lie to yourself that she’s old enough to know your version of “the truth.” -SQ

Wheeler-Dealer or User-Abuser

Dear Suze Q. I'm dating in my 50s after a bad divorce. My ex fought for everything, -the kids, house, business, even the dumb Barcalounger. My new guy likes to haggle; a salesman by trade and passion. I enjoy his magic at swap meets, outdoor markets, even the frapping phone company. What red flags should I watch for?

Dear Haggler, Be aware of the similar behaviors though you say your ex “fought” while the new guy is “magic.” A massive red flag is when he doesn't know or respect hard boundaries. If he cajoles you into something you don't want, then doesn't quit until he gets his way, he is using unfair influence with you. When you say "no," but he hears "maybe," question if this is just annoying or becoming an abusive relationship. Keep him on a short leash until you determine if he's a winner or loser. -SQ 

Look At Me

Dear S.Q. I have always had trouble maintaining eye contact. I’m not autistic. I feel judged which stems from my harsh childhood where children were to be seen and not hear; and if heard, I better say something brilliant or I’d be punished and shamed.

Dear Anxious, People who look others in the eye are perceived as friendly and honest, and that creates a lot of pressure for people who have anxiety, social anxiety more precisely, and eye contact anxiety specifically, like you. Ask your MD/mental health professional to screen and treat you for anxiety. Try exercises like: 1) practice eye contact in the mirror or with social media/TV characters; 2) Triangle Technique - imagine an inverted triangle between the person’s eyes and mouth and stay for at least 5”-10” before looking away; 3) 50/70 Rule -maintain eye contact 50% of time when speaking and 70% when listening. Don’t give up. Every self-improvement has multiple benefits. -SQ