Better When Stoned

Dear Readers, Before I launched my book, Cyber Frogs and Princes: A Sex Manual of On-Line Dating After 50 by Suze Q (available on Amazon, Google Books, and Walmart), I kept a diary of all the men I met on-line. Otherwise, I couldn't keep their stories straight, even though they were mostly lies. I never met MIKE J. in person, but he became a chapter simply because he was an outrageous exhibitionist.  

Chapter 6: Mike

Spades Name: organic 4-20

Frogs Type:     Sex Teaser

"He was a semi-retired attorney from San Francisco who was very chatty. He told me about his work and how he lost time engrossed in his organic garden, but mainly how he enjoyed lounging in the sun while smoking dope and drinking 'vino' with his neighbors... He asked lots of questions: was I married, did I like sex, and what was I wearing because he was playing cards naked." He sent me "shock and awe" pictures including a 3-part video ending with him spraying cum all over a mirror. Really? That's suppose to turn me on? "I later discovered that the video was time-stamped from 2012, apparently regifted for me..."   

Watersport

Dear Readers, A talk show host, Ruth Klein, interviewed me this week and asked what was the weirdest frog story I wrote about in my debut book. Available for your enjoyment on Amazon, Google Books, and Walmart, Cyber Frogs and Princes: A Sex Manual of On-Line Dating After 50, by Suze Q, you'll find his story in Chapter 11, starting on page 137. 

"When you're innocent on the streets but a freak in the sheets." -Anonymous

JOHN C.

Elite Singles Name: Watersport

Frog Name:              Fantasizer

John wrote an interesting bio explaining that he was a complex person, open to new experiences and that he wanted a woman who would join him in unexplored territories. He had a "deep secret" he wanted to share with me. I was instantly on alert.

Me: Your secret, John?

He made me swear that I wouldn't laugh. I promised that I wouldn't. Psychologists don't outwardly respond to secrets of the heart, I thought to myself. And besides, I'm sitting in my home alone. How would he know if I laughed?

John: I get off watching a woman use the toilet. I love the tinkling sound, the facial expressions, even the smells arouse me. Would you do that for me?

I didn't laugh even though I wasn't sure if he was pranking me. Aren't there group chat-rooms for finding women to meet his desires, I thought, surmising that he didn't want therapeutic help to extinguish the fetish. He wanted a partner to indulge him...  -SQ

My, My, My. Don’t Tell Lies

Dear Suze Q. My little sister is getting married to her long-term partner. I know she’s cheated but asked me to keep her secrets. She was pissed when I said I won’t lie. 

Dear Brother, What a rotten spot she put you in. The easy answer to tell your sis is if the groom doesn’t ask, you won’t tell. And really, what are the odds of him asking this particular question? The easy answer for you, if he asks, is to redirect his questions to your sister, asserting that you don’t tattle. -SQ

 

I’d Rather Slit My Throat Than…

Dear Suze, My mother was a smart and witty woman. When she died at 95, she still had all her faculties although her body had worn out. She never liked gloomy days and called them “slit your throat weather.” We all laughed and understood the feeling. What a weird memory, huh?

Dear Daughter, Memories warm the cockles of our heart and keep loved ones alive, outlasting their physical presence. Gloomy days trigger your brain's complex memory systems. Her funky, funny complaint allows you to daydream of other fond events that release endorphins, activating the brain's reward system. Thus, your mood and sense of well-being naturally improves, always a good thing. -SQ  

Love-Hate Boundaries

Dear Suze Q. Our adult daughter stayed with us for a disastrous weekend. She got so drunk she slept 24 hours, then bought more alcohol. My wife wouldn't leave her alone until she went to the E.R., against my wishes that she tough it out alone like every drunk I've ever known. They fixed her up momentarily, but she missed her flight home, jeopardizing her job and live-in relationship. Our daughter thanked her mom for stopping her from leaving the house to buy more alcohol and wished I set limits better. I was stunned and saddened. 

Dear Dad, doing nothing like you wanted can be the right call but not as a knee-jerk decision or made emotionally when angry. People of all ages want to know the boundaries of acceptable behavior. Children especially, even adult children. We live in a rule-based society and limits/boundaries teach you how to act. With consequences; -positive for playing within the rules, and negative for not. Imprisoning her until she went to the ER was a hard limit that needed to be enforced and the consequence for her self-destructive drinking behavior under your roof. Tough love saves lives. -SQ

My Mistake

Sometimes, when dating in the cyber pond, your new frog (possible prince) is so annoying, or awful in ways you didn't expect, and now you're stuck. This happened to me when I didn't have the luxury of just walking away because I'd invited him for the weekend and he'd bought a non-refundable airline ticket.

For the whole ugly short story, turn to page 261 in SQ's debut book: Cyber Frogs And Princes: A Sex Manual Of On-Line Dating After 50 available on Amazon, Google Books, and Walmart. -SQ

LONNIE J.

Our Time Name:     Desert Dude

Frog Type:               Average Joe

"When he stepped off the plane, I wanted to disappear." Why, you wonder? Because the above t-shirt he wore as his first favorable impression for a possible lifelong mate had ridden up over his prominent beer-belly. When he smiled, all that registered for me was how yellow his teeth were. "Immediately, the laid-back woman he thought that he was meeting turned into a frenetic ball of energy, rarely stopping to be touched all weekend... Once I've gotten myself into the mindset that a man is not for me, I give up trying to see the positive side or how to make the relationship work. Rather, I throw all of my imagination into how quickly I can cut my losses. Not that I kicked Lonnie out the door or faked a sore throat that was COVID-positive, but those options did cross my mind." I didn't text, "I'm a hyperactive looney-tune who can't stand your touch, out-of-shape body, horrible choice of clothes, or that you talk with a full mouth," instead -you're great, but we're not compatible. And that was that. -SQ

   

Held To A Higher Standard

Dear S.Q. I'm a 45-year-old happily married man with two kids under 5, not yet in school, not ready for baseball. I married my wife because we were both party heavy and life was fun. Not so much now. I recently stopped smoking at my wife's insistence, maybe nagging. Did I make a mistake?

Dear Dad, Like all of us, I'm sure you made a mistake. Or 10. Which ones are you talking about? Bingeing in your mid-40s when most married couples have matured from recklessness to moderation? Smoking carcinogens around toddlers whose lungs and immune systems are not fully developed, jeopardizing their lifelong health? Or marrying someone with your good and bad habits, whom you love enough to change and grow old with, and evolve into a morally worthy father? According to Orphan X, "It's a sacred oath to raise someone. If you take on that responsibility, you hold yourself to a higher standard. A sacred oath to let them grow properly." It's time you chose. -SQ