All Truths Are Not Equal

Dear S.Q. My 12-y.o. wants to know why we’re divorcing. How much detail should I say about her mother’s cheating?

Dear Dad, Tell her ZERO about her mother’s affairs. Tell the basics, without blame. Ex: we married young and 20 years later we’d grown apart and out of love. NOT: Your lying scumbag other parent had affairs. 

If she wants to know more, judge what to tell her and how much. She’s a CHILD, and your job is to protect her from the crap in this world. Like peeling an onion, too much of the truth leaves a stinky taste in your mouth that’s hard to swallow. Don’t fall into the trap of trash talking your spouse because 1) half your kid’s DNA is that parent, 2) let your kid come to her own conclusion if someone is to blame, 3) be the parent. Your CHILD is hurting and needs comfort. Don’t add more anger and heartache by dumping your feelings onto her, or lie to yourself that she’s old enough to know “the truth.” -SQ

Wheeler-Dealer or User-Abuser

Dear Suze Q. I'm dating in my 50s after a bad divorce. My ex fought for everything, -the kids, house, business, even the dumb Barcalounger. My new guy likes to haggle; a salesman by trade and passion. I enjoy his magic at swap meets, outdoor markets, even the frapping phone company. What red flags should I watch for?

Dear Haggler, Be aware of the similar behaviors though you say your ex “fought” while the new guy is “magic.” A massive red flag is when he doesn't know or respect hard boundaries. If he cajoles you into something you don't want, then doesn't quit until he gets his way, he is using unfair influence with you. When you say "no," but he hears "maybe," question if this is just annoying or becoming an abusive relationship. Keep him on a short leash until you determine if he's a winner or loser. -SQ 

Look At Me

Dear S.Q. I have always had trouble maintaining eye contact. I’m not autistic. I feel judged which stems from my harsh childhood where children were to be seen and not hear; and if heard, I better say something brilliant or I’d be punished and shamed.

Dear Anxious, People who look others in the eye are perceived as friendly and honest, and that creates a lot of pressure for people who have anxiety, social anxiety more precisely, and eye contact anxiety specifically, like you. Ask your MD/mental health professional to screen and treat you for anxiety. Try exercises like: 1) practice eye contact in the mirror or with social media/TV characters; 2) Triangle Technique - imagine an inverted triangle between the person’s eyes and mouth and stay for at least 5”-10” before looking away; 3) 50/70 Rule -maintain eye contact 50% of time when speaking and 70% when listening. Don’t give up. Every self-improvement has multiple benefits. -SQ

Old People’s Smell

Dear S. Q., My 93-year old mother has developed this musky, not-quite-bad smell about her that I know happens to the elderly. I read that persimmon-based skin products help. It that true?

Dear Son, it appears that persimmon-based skin products do lessen that “old people’s smell” that develops with age because of chemical changes. Persimmon soap, deodorant, body cream, and body wash are plentiful. Consuming more anti-oxidants rich food -mainly fruit and vegetables, and hydration with green and oolong tea also help. -SQ

My Mistake

Dear S.Q. I'm a quiet soul, dating again after 20 years. I miss a woman's touch and the companionship. I've had a few dates with a bit of a live wire. She's fun, and there's really nothing about her I don't like, except that she's just too much. I've gotten caught up in texting her a ton, like she does me, but I can't keep this up much longer. I'm exhausted. I've read about this ghosting thing the kids do, but I don't know.

Dear Exhausted, You're not too exhausted to be a gentleman. Ghosting in the old days was when you "dropped" someone and was rude then, as it is now. Make the good-bye short (with a plausible reason like it's too much), make it clear (that it's over and final), make it in person or by phone (never text). We all make mistakes; don't feel bad. Just move on. -SQ

Orbiting

Dear Suze Q. I have this thing with a guy, off and on for a few years, but I feel more, and would like more, than he does. We come together for a few weeks and date like a real couple, then something interferes and we orbit for months, back to off and on. I've ask if our relationship is going anywhere solid, but he shrugs and says he doesn't know. 

Dear Orbiter, "I don't know" certainly doesn't mean yes, so what's left? No? Take the hint. His offer is either occasional hook-ups or nothing; time for you to choose since clearly he won't. -SQ

Sad And I Just Don't Care

Dear Suz, I've never been this sad, and this time it scares me, because I really don't care what happens. I lost my job and shortly afterwards my wife left. If it wasn't for the dog, I'd probably stay in bed for a week. I've stopped answering the phone, and told my few friends I'm going away so don't stop by. 

Dear Sad, You realize you are in serious trouble, otherwise, you wouldn't reach out. You’ve been in a dark place before, and know you need to let someone lead you back to safety. Right this minute, call that someone who will reel you in -a trusted friend who has the strength that you need, but do not have. Or a stranger who is an expert. In the US, call, text, chat, 24/7 with a LIFELINE COUNSELOR AT "988." -SQ