Pushing Through Fear of Commitment

Dear S.Q. My partner had me read your blogs on fear of commitment and yup, that’s me. She’s terrific but I’m sure I would screw up a marriage -just like my parents. My dad was an angry alcoholic and Mom and we kids lived in fear.

Dear Fearful, Your childhood was terrible, and by association you’re afraid you’ll repeat the tragedy in your marriage. That doesn’t have to happen. Your awareness puts you in control of breaking the chain, and free to act as a good marriage partner. True, you have baggage that you need to deal with, like how to conquer fear and anger (rather than give in to it). 

To push beyond anything that holds you back, you must first define it. Commitment: to stay with someone for the long term. Requires: mutually agreed upon rules. Ex: fair fighting (never physical); accept and treat the other as equal; communicate wholly and often (especially about fears and worries); get professional help if stuck; be best friends and lovers. -SQ

Am I Being Shallow?

Dear Suze Q. I’ve been single all my 40+ years and like it. I only date guys that will pay and treat me to a good time. I’m fun and intelligent and chose to have sex or not. I’m not ready to fall in love or get married. Sometimes I get lonely and wonder why? I asked a friend who said I has shallow. She’s off my friend-list but it made me wonder. 

Dear Shallow, You are shallow. Worse, you're a user. You act like an escort, not a date someone would consider seriously because everything is on your terms, and you get paid for it in meals and activities! When the night’s over, POOF! -no promise of the future. You’re a one-time wonder. -SQ

Fishing For Compliments

Dear S.Q. I’m dating a hottie who knows she is. Everyone ogles her and I feel like the luckiest man. But, she’s always fishing for compliments, posting selfies (without me), showing off. It’s exhausting holding her attention. 

Dear Exhausted, It is fine with a six-year-old, but continually reassuring a “look at me!” immature, self-absorbed, attention-seeking, low self-esteem, shallow adult is exhausting and dumb. Why do it? -SQ

Sexless Marriage

Dear Suze Q. I married a man 20 years older who is scheduled for prostate cancer surgery. He’s offered to divorce me so I can have a full life with someone else. I love him, but I also love sex. 

Dear Younger One, He sounds like quite a selfless, gentle man who is also depressed. Survival rate after prostate cancer surgery is generally very high, although life change often occur afterwards like decreased interest and ability to have sex. Divorce is a drastic move, but so is no sex in an otherwise happy marriage.  Consider all options: take a lover, or an occasional romp with a friend with benefits; AND hormone therapy to restore his libido, with medication and/or devices (penis pump) to continue sex with you. See a therapist. Try everything and in a year reevaluate your life. -SQ

Fear of Commitment/Intimacy Revisited

Dear All, There was quite a response from last week’s Fear of Commitment/Intimacy blog, a very real scare that grips people from all walks of life. No one is exempt from at least a moment of doubt because at the core it’s about trusting another with your entire soul. Only one issue will answer if the fear can be overcome or if you need to forget this relationship: What is this person’s history? Dump them is THEY have a “pattern” of ending relationships for BS or dubious reasons. Once is not a pattern but three times is. If you want a relationship but the other person is wishy-washy, determine their honest history (dig deep, they might lie). If you nag or guilt them into a relationship, expect it to fail. You cannot change another, only they can change if they truly want to, but it maybe only temporary. -SQ

Reality Checks and Trust Your Gut

Dear SQ, I’m dating but sometimes I need reality checks from my friends -is he real, why does this feel off? Is it dumb that I can’t figure it out myself?

Dear Friend, Lucky is the one who has true friends. I’m sure you could figure it out but it’s more fun gabbing with friends about the wise asses, dumb asses, and cute asses you are considering. Dating scams and too-good-to-be-true stories are abundant. While guys come and go, take advantage of giggling with your friends as often as possible. -SQ

Horripilation and Pheromones

Dear Suze Q, I have such chemistry with the guy I’m dating that I feel electricity when he touches me. And the sex, oh my god! How do I keep this going?   

Dear Electric, A normal course of satisfied love begins with the honeymoon stage (where you are now), then stagnates into complacency, periodically gets rocky, then contentment. If you want to skip the last three stages, bail out when complacency sets in, and find another hot affair. If you want to prolong the honeymoon stage with the same person, you must both work at it. Everyday, every way. Variety is the spice of life, and mundane routines are killers. Foundation: honest communication, and PLAY time. Role-play, explore/expand boundaries both sexually and mentally. Example: Explore the “cheater’s high” -the rush of getting away with something, coupled with dabbling with the forbidden. -SQ