Thank You, Gloria Steinem

Dear Readers, The Mother of Feminism passed away at 92 on September 2, coincidentally VJ Day marking the end of WWII. Big date for a big star. Gloria Steinem was a journalist and activist leader of the second-wave feminist revolution advancing gender discourse throughout the 21st century. Many viewed her as a troublemaker for the establishment. Many men were threatened by her political organizings and views, and scared shitless of her power. As well they should have been as her consistent voice for social justice and reproductive rights was globally recognized. In 2013, President Obama awarded her the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the highest civilian honor. She is said to have loved the tradition of signal fires that represented guidance and unity in lighting the path for others. To you, Gloria! We stoke the fires. -SQ

Ozempic Divorce

Dear Suze Q. My wife and I started Ozempic together two years ago. It worked for her but not me. Now 30 pounds lighter, she's full of herself and acts like she's 20 again. I was happy at first, but her late night work stories are bull, and friends are telling me she's hitting on them. She calls me jealous, which is true, but that's not the point. She refuses to see a counselor and laughs it off. Options?

Dear Hubby, New name for old problems (mid-life crisis, empty-nest divorce) when marital balance is off-kilter, often due to one person's elevated self-image and independence that causes (or intensifies) marital friction. Common reasons are transformation of one person’s identity, health, or status. Forget the labels, watch the signs -excuses, lies, flirting, deflection of who has the problem, and refusal to discuss issues or seek help. If you want a divorce, now's the time. If not, fight like hell to talk honestly about every problem and solutions. If you can't get her on the same page, and she continues to refuse professional help, then she's told you her answer. Save yourself since she won't help you save the marriage. -SQ 

I Can’t Live with a Slob

Dear Suze, My guy and I want to live together rather than continue to alternate houses. We live close and can run home when we need our own space. He’s a slob, lives like a bachelor and never seems to think about my needs. I find my makeup buried under his stuff, his clothes wherever they land, haphazard piles in every room. Ugh. 

Dear Ugh, If you run away now when his slobiness overwhelms you, where will you go when you live together? A housekeeper will help, but it’s a temporary fix and won’t cure the underlying problem. What else are you running from? Make a pros/cons list. Talk out the nitty-gritty details, brutally honestly, of what bugs you. Try a trial run of living together for a month. If that feels great, finalize the move. If not, DON’T move now, maybe in the future. Don't lie/pretend/exaggerate about whether it works, and NEVER settle for less. -SQ

Naked and Old (But Young at Heart)

Dear Suz, Did you know that July 14 is international Nude Day? Started in New Zealand by a TV guy and immediately trended. My 65-year-old husband strutted around the house all that day and every day since. I kind of enjoy it too. I thought our sex life was gone but our naps have turned into delightful afternoons. It’s put a new lease in our life. 

Dear Au Naturel, yea! Fun facts ➡️ (trust but verify, could be total b.s.): Nudity -reduces Alzheimer’s because walking barefoot stimulates brain neurons; -improves circulation without restrictive clothing and unexpected pats on your bum; -sleeping nude helps the body’s core temperature to thermoregulate (drops 1-2°C) to start and sustain restorative sleep. What else, readers? -SQ

AI Trade! Just $20!

Dear S.Q. I read your blog yesterday on crypto scams. Even though my college kid doesn’t have a trust fund, he does have an Econ class requiring a project as 85% of his grade, and he’s asked for my help since I’ve dabbled in the stock market all his life (and still I know so little). Long gone are the days my broker called with a hot tip, but I keep a financial planner on speed-dial, joke here. We baby-boomers have seen all the scams, so I’m confident... with AI and social media advice IF I vet it as solid. But my kid needs to learn everything and this Finelo company seems legit. Any thoughts?

Dear Dad, I'm sure you've read the AI summary on Finelo, "The All-in-One Trading Learning Platform & Tools!" as I have. I understand that it's a legit educational app and registered company. The cons: aggressive and confusing marketing and subscription billing. It's an educational course with daily lessons, but you'll still need to do the actual trading. Seems a good place to start. He'll learn from the ground up and you'll fill the gaps in your knowledge. Scams are still everywhere. Trust, but verify. -SQ  

Celebrities Shilling for Crypto

Dear S.Q. Our 20 y.o. believes quick-rich schemes touted by celebrities and wants to invest ALL his trust fund in crypto. He doesn’t have independent control until he’s 25, but asserting “Hell NO! It’s a scam!” or a parental ultimatum doesn’t seem wise. So?

Dear Parent, A perfect example why trust funds aren’t available until age 25! Substantial scientific findings are that maturation continues in the prefrontal cortex of male humans into the mid-thirties, which is critical for decision-making, social judgement, and social/emotional regulation. Capitalize on your remaining 4 years to work with him on finances that will affect his entire life.

Make them teaching moments. Ex: give him his entire trust fund now in monopoly or fake money. Tell him that if he agrees to this project AND makes a greater profit in 1 year than it currently earns, you’ll CONSIDER releasing trust funds early. Together learn to buy, sell, and hold trades. Keep records. Talk regularly, require his written daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly balance sheets just like a team leader/sales manager in a brokerage firm. Learn investment strategies together. Teach him not to be that “sucker is born every minute.” -SQ

Lesson From Empathy

During my 5 year dating fling seeking my Prince Charming, I learned a lot about myself. Some good, some painfully ugly. In the psych business, we call it “insight” and swear it makes you better and stronger when you practice merciless, honesty talking to the person in your mirror. Another brutal exercise is to stop focusing on yourself and truly see something from someone else’s point of view. 

Wren and I were both in our 60 with grown kids.  He also had twins in third grade that loved bike-riding; I tolerated Pilates 3x/wk. How tough could it be to relearn to bike? He was a chemist; I was a math major for a year at UCLA eons ago. He slept by 10 and up at 5, exercised, took care of business before working for 8 hours. I was nearly retired and slept the same as a mindless teenager, 2-3 am until 10 or so. As he walked me to my car after our seven hour date, I was daydreaming about how I’d fit nicely, with some adjustments, into his world. He said he'd had a nice time, but I "was not active enough."

Gobsmacked. I was so embarrassed. Why hadn’t I seen this coming? My mirror and I had a long, tearful chat that night, and was told to get over myself and see it from his POV. Fast forward to living together. His week with the kids —he’s up before dawn to do his stuff; wakes them at 7 for breakfast and morning routine before piling into the car for school and work. I roll over and sleep several more hours. I putter all day because I’m nearly retired, and because I can. Everyone’s home by 6, for a fabulous meal I slaved all day creating (or pre-bought). Vibrations emanate off the kids wondering when I’m going to disappear forever so they don’t have to share Dad any longer. Homework, bedtime routine until 9, and lights out for him too. Or, he has homework and I read. 

Off weeks, no kids. He’s up when it’s oh dark thirty for alone time, kisses me at 8 (who’s still in bed) and off to work. After, a bike-ride, brisk hour of tennis, or sweat-dripping pickleball, and dinner. Relax with opera or blues in the background while reading, as I watch some psychologically twisted story on TV. I need quiet when I read; he dislikes TV. He’s tired and ready for sleep as I’m just metabolically winding up. I’m ready to play cards on-line. Or better yet, surf dating apps. Yup, he’s right. How in my right mind did I think this could work? Had I put myself in his shoes, even a few times during that seven hour date, I would have had an accurate understanding of our wants and needs, and how incompatible we were. Insight, foresight prevents hindsight blindsight. For the whole miserable, embarrassing story, read Chapter 22 of my debut book, available on Amazon, Google Books, and Walmart. Whoo hoo! Cyber Frogs And Princes: A Sex Manual Of On-Line Dating After 50 by Suze Q   -SQ