Don’t Piss on Poison Ivy

Dear Suze, When we were kids, we often played in the woods behind our house. And naturally we had to pee sometimes, so we pretended to paint the leaves and trees yellow. Great fun until the time I got poison ivy all over my crouch, penis, hands... Agony for days. Now my crazy ex has posted a picture of the scar on my dick. I'm pissed. What's the recourse?

Dear Pisser, Several remedies are available to you. 1) Own the post and spin it to your advantage, “Yes, ladies, the scar tissue adds thickness to my girth,” or "Scars add character;" 2) Deny the post is you and make a joke; 3) Demand she remove the post or you'll seek resolution; 4) Report her to the social media site and insist they resolve the problem; or finally 5) Threaten or take her to Court. Most states have laws against "revenge porn" -dissemination of intimate images. -SQ  

Homemade Sex Toys

 

Dear Suz, I’m a long-haul trucker, married with teens. I love my wife and never been unfaithful, ‘tho I get lots of offers for sex. I make sex toys as a hobby for my lonely nights alone and for fun with the wife. Here’s my favorite. For an immediate climax, insert gently into the urethral meatus and twirl. 

Dear Toy Maker, Seems like you’ve handmade something clever, although the stabey part looks sharp and dangerous. Maybe that’s the lure. -SQ

No Gigalo Joes

Dear S.Q. I’m a wealthy, independent widow in my 60s, active with season tickets and travel plans. My dates think I’m a sugar momma to support them forever. I allow second dates if I think we can be equals -maybe not financially, but can he teach me a skill, open my eyes to a new adventure. I’d love a companion for life but not sure how to approach this subject. 

Dear Wealthy and Wise, Many of us love men. We want and desire them. But, we don't need them. A companion often is best when similarities align, like age, cultural and religious beliefs. If $ continues to pause most new relationships, discuss it head-on so you’re clear the other needs to carry his weight equally in some fashion. Maybe he’s the chef and you buy groceries; you pay for events and he drives and pays for parking. Think creatively but remember to verify his history -that speaks truer than words. No need for a Gigolo Joe. -SQ

Girls’ Code at 50

 

Dear Readers, From a young age, females learn the secrets of The Girls’ Code. In my debut book, Cyber Frogs and Princes: A Sex Manual of On-Line Dating After 50, by Suze Q (available on Amazon, Google Books, Walmart), I share my first memory on pages 105-106: "The Code begins as early as your preteens when you're giggling with your girlfriends that some boy is 'cute.' She passes the info to him... Best case scenario is that you go 'steady' with him for a day or two, but you've gained a sister-in-arms forever; a solidarity that no male could ever break, or truly understand." Since then, I’ve violated the code accidentally and intentionally and been rewarded and punished accordingly, -much like a Momma lion raises her young. Dating in later life leaves little room for knowingly fucking up. Even though the amount of rules decreases, the weight and sacredness of each increases. 

Dear Suze, I’m conflicted, hurt, and sad by the behavior of a close friend. She started dating again after a nasty divorce with a controlling ex. She sleeps with anyone and seems hell-bent on proving something. At nearly 60, she’s trying to be a Lolita without the looks or the body. None of her dates are keepers or presentable in our social circles. She’s asked me why our girlfriends are shunning her. 

Dear GF, Honesty is part of the Girl Code, and as mature women, brutal honesty is a duty. More than ever, elevate and support one another in understanding her quest and dating journey. Do not abandon a sister in need. She’s asked for your help. You and other gfs need to cocoon her with love and support, and  get her on a safe and sane path. -SQ

FaceBook Ban. Good or Bad?

Dear Readers: Today's blog is asking you to gut check silencing and censorship in your world. My cyberfrogsandprinces.com FB page recently received these administrative notifications that my profile won’t be “recommend" to children even though I alerted FB that it was adult only content when I opened this account years ago. I'm not bothered by this "ban," but why now? What else is shifting? There are multiple pending lawsuits against FB regarding censorship and suppression of free speech, including from several U.S. states accusing Meta of designing services to be addictive and misleading about user safety, and accusations of government collusion to censor content. Collusion with the U.S. government, f*ucking WOW! Follow this story through your trusted news sources. -SQ

Reborn Baby (Dolls)

Dear Suze Q, I met a nice lady, also in her 50s with exs and grown children. She had a baby carriage in her living room, and I asked if it was for her grandchild. "No," she said. "It's mine for Abigale." Turns out Abby is a "reborn baby" -one of those life-like $2K jobs. I'm pretty flexible so I thought it was just a collections, like refrigerator magnets. Nooo, seems her therapist recommended "grounding her" with a doll to reduce anxiety from her "empty nest." Whatever happened to yoga or Mother's Little Helpers as remedies?  

Dear 50, Definitely not your normal therapeutic recommendation to loneliness and anxiety. A few more dates should tell you if you should run away from an extremely needy person; stick around to see where the rabbit hole leads; or join in this "calming", alternative world. -SQ 

Mushroom Coffins

Dear Suze Q, Our crazy old aunt is dying and wants to be buried with her cats. She’s a simple woman, born during the Dust Bowl drought of 1940, except that she smoked dope and dropped psilocybin before it was popular. She is a hoot and deserves a good, earthly send off. Any suggestions besides a lethal cocktail death party (which she's already planned)?

Dearly Remaining, Consider a "mushroom coffin,” grown from mycelium, the dense, woven root network of fungi/mushrooms, that decomposes in a month or so, returns the body to the earth where it is converts and enriches the surrounding soil to support new plant growth. If this isn't esoteric enough, add a mushroom burial suit eliminating the need for a casket, where Auntie is surrounded by a biodegradable garment embedded with mushroom spores. (Made popular by actor Luke Perry in 2019). OR... "aquamation" (legal in about 1/2 of US states, a green burial alternative to "flame cremation" -who thinks up these hideous terms); or "tree pod burial" a revised ancient method where the body is placed in a pod that nourishes a tree planted above it. Check local and state laws about Auntie’s cats. Ash to grass, Dust Bowl to hash bowl. -SQ