What’s Mine Is Mine

Dear Suze Q. When my WWII military decorated father died, we kids split the family mementos of our childhood, and it was known that when one of us died, our siblings would be the custodian. My brother recently passed and left everything to his spouse as would be expected. I asked for my father’s military documents, ribbons, and metals and my sis-in-law balked, saying she wants to think about it and to wear my father’s caterpillars as decoration. I'm furious and want to cut all ties. 

Dear Military brat, Metals are replaceable so offer to buy duplicates for her and you to have the originals. It appears she doesn’t know, or some other reason, why she’s not honoring the return of family heirlooms. Try everything you can before making your in-law your outlaw. -SQ

Self-Limiting Behavior

Dear Suze, I was raised that children were seen and not heard, then I married an older man who was very controlling. I’m mid-40s, widowed, and not too old to learn how to think for myself. I’ve always judged myself by other’s standards and fallen short. I have no clue how to be assertive because I usually don’t even have my own opinion. 

Dear 40, It’s not too late to blossom into yourself, but you have a lot of self-work. The easy way out is to continue to be brain-dead and someone’s Stepford wife. Since you know who brain-washed you (parents, husband), then you know the script they indoctrinated you with. Now, you are free to change your responses; your jailors are gone and you hold the keys. Read everything, seek help, become an expert in reprogramming yourself to stop self-limiting behavior and soar like an eagle. -SQ

Pushing Through Fear of Commitment

Dear S.Q. My partner had me read your blogs on fear of commitment and yup, that’s me. She’s terrific but I’m sure I would screw up a marriage -just like my parents. My dad was an angry alcoholic and Mom and we kids lived in fear.

Dear Fearful, Your childhood was terrible, and by association you’re afraid you’ll repeat the tragedy in your marriage. That doesn’t have to happen. Your awareness puts you in control of breaking the chain, and free to act as a good marriage partner. True, you have baggage that you need to deal with, like how to conquer fear and anger (rather than give in to it). 

To push beyond anything that holds you back, you must first define it. Commitment: to stay with someone for the long term. Requires: mutually agreed upon rules. Ex: fair fighting (never physical); accept and treat the other as equal; communicate wholly and often (especially about fears and worries); get professional help if stuck; be best friends and lovers. -SQ

Am I Shallow?

Dear Suze Q. I’ve been single all my 40+ years and like it. I only date guys that will pay and treat me to a good time. I’m fun and intelligent and chose to have sex or not. I’m not ready to fall in love or get married. Sometimes I get lonely and wonder why? I asked a friend who said I has shallow. She’s off my friend-list, but it made me wonder. 

Dear Shallow, You are shallow. Worse, you're a user. You act like an escort, not a date someone would consider seriously because everything is on your terms, and you get paid for it in meals and activities! When the night’s over, POOF! -no promise of the future. You’re a one-time wonder. -SQ

Fishing For Compliments

Dear S.Q. I’m dating a hottie who knows she is. Everyone ogles her and I feel like the luckiest man. But, she’s always fishing for compliments, posting selfies (without me), showing off. It’s exhausting holding her attention. 

Dear Exhausted, It is fine with a six-year-old, but continually reassuring a “look at me!” immature, self-absorbed, attention-seeking, low self-esteem, shallow adult is exhausting and dumb. Why do it? -SQ

Sexless Marriage

Dear Suze Q. I married a man 20 years older who is scheduled for prostate cancer surgery. He’s offered to divorce me so I can have a full life with someone else. I love him, but I also love sex. 

Dear Younger One, He sounds like quite a selfless, gentle man who is also depressed. Survival rate after prostate cancer surgery is generally very high, although life change often occur afterwards like decreased interest and ability to have sex. Divorce is a drastic move, but so is no sex in an otherwise happy marriage.  Consider all options: take a lover, or an occasional romp with a friend with benefits; AND hormone therapy to restore his libido, with medication and/or devices (penis pump) to continue sex with you. See a therapist. Try everything and in a year reevaluate your life. -SQ

Fear of Commitment/Intimacy Revisited

Dear All, There was quite a response from last week’s Fear of Commitment/Intimacy blog, a very real scare that grips people from all walks of life. No one is exempt from at least a moment of doubt because at the core it’s about trusting another with your entire soul. Only one issue will answer if the fear can be overcome or if you need to forget this relationship: What is this person’s history? Dump them is THEY have a “pattern” of ending relationships for BS or dubious reasons. Once is not a pattern but three times is. If you want a relationship but the other person is wishy-washy, determine their honest history (dig deep, they might lie). If you nag or guilt them into a relationship, expect it to fail. You cannot change another, only they can change if they truly want to, but it maybe only temporary. -SQ