Sexless Marriage

Dear Suze Q. I married a man 20 years older who is scheduled for prostate cancer surgery. He’s offered to divorce me so I can have a full life with someone else. I love him, but I also love sex. 

Dear Younger One, He sounds like quite a selfless, gentle man who is also depressed. Survival rate after prostate cancer surgery is generally very high, although life change often occur afterwards like decreased interest and ability to have sex. Divorce is a drastic move, but so is no sex in an otherwise happy marriage.  Consider all options: take a lover, or an occasional romp with a friend with benefits; AND hormone therapy to restore his libido, with medication and/or devices (penis pump) to continue sex with you. See a therapist. Try everything and in a year reevaluate your marriage. -SQ

Fear of Commitment/Intimacy Revisited

Dear All, There was quite a response from last week’s Fear of Commitment/Intimacy blog, a very real scare that grips people from all walks of life. No one is exempt from at least a moment of doubt because at the core it’s about trusting another with your entire soul. Only one issue will answer if the fear can be overcome or if you need to forget this relationship: What is this person’s history? Dump them is THEY have a “pattern” of ending relationships for BS or dubious reasons. Once is not a pattern but three times is. If you want a relationship but the other person is wishy-washy, determine their honest history (dig deep, they might lie). If you nag or guilt them into a relationship, expect it to fail. You cannot change another, only they can change if they truly want to, but it maybe only temporary. -SQ

Reality Checks and Trust Your Gut

Dear SQ, I’m dating but sometimes I need reality checks from my friends -is he real, why does this feel off? Is it dumb that I can’t figure it out myself?

Dear Friend, Lucky is the one who has true friends. I’m sure you could figure it out but it’s more fun gabbing with friends about the wise asses, dumb asses, and cute asses you are considering. Dating scams and too-good-to-be-true stories are abundant. While guys come and go, take advantage of giggling with your friends as often as possible. -SQ

Horripilation and Pheromones

Dear Suze Q, I have such chemistry with the guy I’m dating that I feel electricity when he touches me. And the sex, oh my god! How do I keep this going?   

Dear Electric, A normal course of satisfied love begins with the honeymoon stage (where you are now), then stagnates into complacency, periodically gets rocky, then contentment. If you want to skip the last three stages, bail out when complacency sets in, and find another hot affair. If you want to prolong the honeymoon stage with the same person, you must both work at it. Everyday, every way. Variety is the spice of life, and mundane routines are killers. Foundation: honest communication, and PLAY time. Role-play, explore/expand boundaries both sexually and mentally. Example: Explore the “cheater’s high” -the rush of getting away with something, coupled with dabbling with the forbidden. -SQ

Outdated Dating Rules

Dear SQ, I’m a spry almost 70 y.o. and jumping back into the dating game. What are the new rules?

Dear 70, You’ll be happy to know authenticity, equality between sexes, and honesty are winners; mind games are out. Men: don’t have to make the first move or pay the bill. Women: don’t have to wait 3 days to respond, 3rd date to have sex, or pretend to be mysterious. Neither: should withhold the truth about serious topics (including age, health, criminal/psychotic tendencies). No one: should give red flag losers a second chance. -SQ

Raised With Shame Toward Sex

Dear Suze, I was raised by highly religious parents, where shame was the main punishment for everything “evil,” especially sex. I’m finally free from family rule, with “wild” single gfs. They want me to live shame-free, explore the world, my body, and others. They gave me a sex toy for my birthday. I’m excited and scared. Where to start?

Dear Birthday Girl, Start in your head. Think of masturbation as time to explore your body; a form of sexual self-care. Schedule uninterrupted playtime (an hour or so). Create a sensual environment (candles, music, bathtub/bed). Dress in things that will arouse you as you slowly undress. Let your mind expand beyond your comfort zone to make room for the new you as you stimulate different body parts; rub, stroke, pinch pleasure zones. Be generous with lube. Masturbation is a near-universal experience with physical and mental benefits. Discuss your experiences only with like-minded friends that will support and encourage your transformation to a sexual woman. Once you feel comfortable with masturbation as a form of self-love, you can more easily share happy sex, guilt-free, with another. -SQ 

Fear of Commitment/Intimacy

Dear Suze, I’m smitten by a guy who is sooo easy and down-to-Earth, most of the time. He says he’s coming out of his shell and loves my company. He was married briefly 30 years ago, in his 20s, has no kids, pets, or really close friends. He loves mine and they adore him. BUT, he disappears for days, especially after we’ve had fabulous sex or extensive time together. He says he gets overwhelmed and just needs time alone. Am I wasting my time?

Dear Smitten, A 50+ year-old man who’s been single most of his life and still needs time alone when things get intimate, tells you everything if you honestly listen. He’s emotionally unavailable for your full desire for closeness and affection, and has a life-long pattern of failed intimate relationships. Hard to believe he’s not a keeper because everything is great when it’s good, but crazy-making and dog-shit bad when he withdraws. Set a timeline if you want to test if he will change, but be prepared to move on to happiness elsewhere. -SQ