I Don't Want My Son Labeled

Dear S.Q. Our eight-year-old grandson is failing in school and has no friends. We babysit during the week so we see that he's awkward. Bright, but can't look you in the eye and lacks simple social skills like small talk. We've begged his mother to get help, and offered to pay for it, but she says he'll outgrow it and doesn't want him labeled. 

Dear Grandparent, To design a specialized, individual educational plan for a student (either private or public school) requires diagnostic testing to pinpoint areas of deficit and strength, tailor instruction to meet the needs, and employ teachers and others with specialized credentials and training. Nationwide, a school district will test a student without cost, and if qualified (as designated by their diagnosis) for special education services, doors open to meet the youngster's learning, developmental, behavioral, or emotional needs. Labels that have the potential of negative effects because of perceived prejudices must be addressed, and weighed against the potential benefits. Should one refuse a medical label, like cancer or pregnancy, if access to treatment depended on it?  Same issue here. -SQ   

A Psychologist's Reveal: DSM, (Part 4)

Dear Readers, One way of demystifying psychology is to introduce you to the tools of our trade. Professions typically have manuals, rulebooks, regulations. In psychology, the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) is almost universally recognized as the standard reference for diagnosing mental disorders. Also used in other countries is the ICD (International Classification of Diseases) which prioritizes clinical judgment (rather than strict criteria) for broader health disorders. If you've ever seen billing from your insurance company, these shorthand codes are used between provider and payor as to what services were rendered.

Since the beginning of mankind, words equate magic. Power. Connection. They can be vague, leaving one confused, unsettled. Or, they can be precise with general consensus of their meaning, allowing little room for misunderstanding. That's where the DSM shines. It allows everyone to be on the same page as to the exact definition of the mental condition being discussed. A Narcissist is not just a self-centered asshole, but much more. It is a Personality Disorder that includes a penetrating grandiosity without empathy that begins by early adulthood. Nine specific criteria are listed, of which at least five must be prevalent in order for the clinical diagnosis to be met. Not four, not almost, not once in a while.

Why split hairs? Depression means sad. We all know that and use the word liberally although it clinically is defined more narrowly. Two reasons to split that hair: 1) It's more accurate, and 2) because debates are won or lost on content, -facts, rather than gut-feelings or opinions, will win the day. -SQ

A Psychologist’s Reveal: Rorschach Ink Blot (Part 3)

Dear Readers, It's Friday in California, so for today's blog on demystifying psychology, I'll tell you about the second biggest "deer-in-the-headlight" moment I usually get. The biggest is when asked my profession, I say, "I'm a psychologist," which prompts you to say "can you read my mind, or are you analyzing me?" The short answer is no, (but I have tools in my trade that can get close). Scary or fascinating depends on your point of view. Scientists are honing in on the early beginnings of the universe -is their use of math in this quest scary or fascinating? 

Most people have heard of the "Ink Blot" test, depicted by Hollywood as a definitive magical reveal of a person's most hidden secrets. Not so. Well, not magical anyway. 10 ambiguous cards are shown with precisely worded instructions for the client to describe what they see. The administration, scoring, and interpretation takes about three hours because of the rigorous requirements that gives this test its strong reliability and validity.  

I took many grad school classes at USC that covered dozens of psychology tests and assessments in-depth in one semester. The Rorschach Inkblot Test took one full year of this test alone. I loved and hated this test at the end, but I respected it for what it was; a highly valid test for detecting psychosis and disordered thinking. It was not designed to confirm that someone is functioning "within normal limits," nor is it a stand-alone verdict -but like all tests, is to be part of a battery of assessments. It is a powerful tool that unnerves some people as they travel down psychic threads they'd rather avoid, while others shake off the experience as more psychology "smoke and mirrors."  There you have it -magic debunked! -SQ           

 

“Sure, baby, mañana.”

Dear Readers, We've all dated that person who might have been the one, but things happened and it was over. Brian, my fake name for the most laid-back guy, was fun, although he often called me drunk after "honky-tonking" with his buddies. We flirted on the dating app, Elite, and swore to meet one fine weekend on my home turf of Los Angeles. He said he was a widower and I asked how long? He confessed his wife had severe dementia and didn't know who he was. He felt like a widower although technically not. He always had excuses why we couldn’t meet, so after a few months, I just mañana-ed until the relationship slipped off my radar. Then a year later, a text:

Brian: Hi, hun, It's been awhile. I thought of you last night as I drove through L.A.... I've decided to sell my house, put my wife in a home, and roll the dice... Can we try again?

Replying "no" came to mind, but I decided to sleep on it and reply mañana. Brian (Chapter 20) was not the only one during my five-year on-line dating spree that circled back years later to try again, but hey! it didn't work the first time, why fail twice? For other tales of woe and wonder, check out my debut book: Cyber Frogs And Princes: A Sex Manual Of On-Line Dating After 50 by Suze Q, available on Amazon, Google Books, and Walmart. Whoo-hoo! S-Q 

No More Chances

Dear Suze, I’ve met a guy on a dating app and we talk and flirt all the time. He lives a few hours away but has family near me so we decided to meet when he came my way. He’s been here twice in the last few months to help his nephew move to college. He didn’t call, stop by, or even tell me until afterwards, because they were spontaneous “bounce trips,” and he needed to get home to work. I didn’t push, but I was pissed. How many chances should I give?

Dear Not Pushy, He didn’t give you the courtesy of a heads up, but just a condescending “f*uck you” after he returned home. TWICE! Why wait for #3? -SQ

What To Do with Old Phone Contacts (Not Family)

Dear Suze Q, I've been to six funerals/memorials this year and it's only September. The (stressful) holidays are still a few months away. I'm 77, in good health, and plan to be around another 10 years, maybe. What do I do with phone contacts of my dead friends and acquaintances?

Dear Still Alive, Do what you want; there is no right or wrong. And at 77, hopefully, no one is judging you, and that you don't give a shit if they are. Eliminating the last tangible bits of someone, like their contact information, will leave you with only memories and pictures. This is part of healing, pack all those experiences in long-term memory storage to make room for newly forming and future events. 

But, grieving and letting go are processes some avoid (hit delete and be done with the contact link), and others indulge (call one last time to hear, "You have reached a non-working number.") Some can't bear to destroy the final threads, so the contacts remains in your phone. Find your own peace. -SQ

What To Do with Old Phone Contacts (Family)

Dear Suze, I’m old enough to remember spiral-bound address books with refillable pages. Some old friends have many crossed-out addresses from when I knew them since high school! And, I still use this leasther bound book as back-up to losing my phone. My mother’s in hospice and it’s time to take her off the family phone plan. Tips?

Sympathies for your family. So many details and to-do lists will follow, so keep track. Transfer of billing responsibility (TOBR) often requires a copy of the death certificate for many things including the phone company, banking, credit cards. Many of these companies require codes, passwords, and sometimes two-factor authentication (2FA) that people store on their phones, so keep the phone live until all those details are sorted out. Fidelity, AARF, Experian (credit reporting agency) and others have free on-line checklists of what to do immediately -through months after someone’s death. Don't do anything with old contacts until, and unless, you're ready. -SQ