Fear of Commitment/Intimacy

Dear Suze, I’m smitten by a guy who is sooo easy and down-to-Earth, most of the time. He says he’s coming out of his shell and loves my company. He was married briefly 30 years ago, in his 20s, has no kids, pets, or really close friends. He loves mine and they adore him. BUT, he disappears for days, especially after we’ve had fabulous sex or extensive time together. He says he gets overwhelmed and just needs time alone. Am I wasting my time?

Dear Smitten, A 50+ year-old man who’s been single most of his life and still needs time alone when things get intimate, tells you everything if you honestly listen. He’s emotionally unavailable for your full desire for closeness and affection, and has a life-long pattern of failed intimate relationships. Hard to believe he’s not a keeper because everything is great when it’s good, but crazy-making and dog-shit bad when he withdraws. Set a timeline if you want to test if he will change, but be prepared to move on to happiness elsewhere. -SQ

To Lube, or Not To Lube (Male Version)

Dear Suze Q, My gf ask me if guys use lube. I do when I’m with a woman because it makes for a smooth ride, but a dry rub gets the job done if solo play. I have no clue what other guys do. 

Dear Guy, Like you, many readers like both wet and dry rubs and found pros and cons of each:

With lube: + a slick dick when masturbating mimics the smooth feel of intercourse. Precum is a natural lube. - lube may make penis head too sensitive if foreskin is pulled back; lube is messy.

Without lube: + can j.o. anytime. - EXCESSIVE (whatever that means) dry rubs can cause micro tears and cuts that house bacteria, leading to skin infections; tears and scar tissue in certain areas can cause problems (including calluses!). -SQ

To Lube or Not To Lube (Female Version)

Dear Suze Q, I’m an older widow looking for a partner. I’ve had a few sexual encounters but my vaginal area is sore as hell the next day. This doesn’t happen when I masturbate with my sex toys.

Dear Sexy, Lubrication isn’t needed if you make your own juices or only have surface stimulation like with a vaginal wand, or cliteral vibrator. As one ages, vaginal walls thin and lose natural moisture, so use lots of lube when inserting anything (toys or penises) to lower friction and prevent small tears to your skin that cause irritation, soreness, or pain. -SQ

CHAUVINIST OR GENTLEMAN?

Dear S. Q.  I’m 30, dating a man 20 years older who is established in his career and rich. He treats me like his queen in public and sweetly calls me his (arm) candy-girl, but sometimes belittles me privately.  He excludes me in some social events because I’d be bored with “shop talk.” But his colleagues' female wives are invited, and I have a college degree in business. I’m confused.

Dear Candy, A gentleman at times and a chauvinist at others is confusing. The core problem is he doesn’t treat or accept you as his equal. Can you live with this? Gentleman: polite/supportive/democratic; respectful, especially towards females; values their opinions and independence. Chauvinist: asserts male dominance and believe themselves superior; oozes dismissive/condescending/patronizing behavior to women, who are inferior. “Male chauvinists” appear polished, articulate, and cultured, but their worldview is that men are inherently superior to women who they must control. -SQ

He Failed The Emotional Intelligence Test

Dear Suze, My 35-year-old brother can’t find a woman to meet his standards. He considers himself a “total package,” -good job, spiffy car, money in the bank. We’re military brats, with strong parental rules. Dad taught him that politeness and male superiority were intertwined. My bro is courteous in public while dismissing women’s opinions in private, including me and Mom. His ability to see things from our view, especially emotions, is utter failure. He sees his chauvinistic behavior as “common sense,” (which he believes women don’t have), or “protection” (of us fragile felines). 

Dear Sis, Your bro needs to rid his outdated gender role beliefs. Women are equals. Period. Full stop. They are independent and as capable as men. His first step in change is to recognize his medieval thinking. Direct him to a “Dutch uncle.” -SQ

He Gave At the Office

Dear SQ. My husband told me of his affair with his supervisor since the Christmas party. She gave him a blow job, -he says it was unexpected and he immediately told her “no,” but she continued. Now she calls him into her office and locks the door, makes him stay late and seduces him. He’s not innocent and our marriage needs a lifeline to survive, but I believe him and want her punished.  

Dear Wife, Good for your husband for confiding in you, and choosing to fight for the marriage and your trust. If all is true, sexual harassment by his supervisor is a serious and potential crime. Many complicated issues, all that have to be addressed, include: how to file a sexual harassment complaint, how to save your marriage, do both/either of you need individual counseling for the psychic trauma. For starters, you need two counselors, one a lawyer, the other a mental health professional. The process to regain a solid marriage can be long and scary. Hang tightly to each other. -SQ

The Director

Dear Suze, I’m flirting with a local guy, but we've not yet met. He’s a social director for a hospitality firm and has a great imagination for combining sex and role-playing. He wants us to go to local and international spots that cater to nudists. I assume he’s been there and knows what the rules are, what’s safe, and legal. My gfs are skeptical.

Dear Flirt, ASSUME NOTHING -including if he’s all show and no go, a con artist, and if he’s who he says he is. If he really is a social director, he creates fantasy worlds for others to indulge, but that doesn’t mean he’s done them himself. Run a background check before going anywhere that would risk your safety. Verify that he doesn’t have anxieties and insecurities that allow sex play with you on-line, and in his head, but never in reality in a bed. -SQ