Mismatched Sense Of Humor

Dear S. Q. My sometimes girlfriend thinks we should see a relationship counselor because we have mismatched humor styles. She’s very much a girly-girl (fashion, extravert, and social media butterfly) and laughs at anything, I’m an engineer who’s pretty squared-away although I like a good intellectual mind-bender. She brings out my energy and I love her, but seeing a counselor? How will that help? 

Dear No Joke, Similar sense of humor maybe the least of your problems. Are your true connections to others mainly intellectually and her’s social? A relationship counselor could delve beyond the humor differences and reveal other problems or common connections. Do you really want to look deeply at yourself and your relationship? Only go if you’re willing to do the hard work of self-insight. -SQ

Signal For Help

Dear Suze, I knew a newly married friend with a controlling husband who used a 3-part hand-signal, an open palm facing her friend, tucked her thumb into the palm, and closed her 4 fingers over her thumb. I know this is a sign she’s being abused. What to do? 

Dear Concerned, Without knowing anything further, it’s easy to think the worst, like her life was in immediate danger. And you might be right. The Signal for Help was created in 2020 by the Canadian Women's Foundation as a single continuous hand movement of three-parts, (rather than a sign held in one position), so that the gesture was easily visible, and the message clearly sent was, "reach out to me safely." NOT a request to call emergency services. Hopefully, this will become a universal signal. -SQ

NomiAI companion

Dear Suze Q. My sister is moving out of state to college and she’s worried she won’t make friends because she’s so shy. Some assure her she’ll be fine, others suggest a journal, watch movies, text often. I was thinking of giving her a 4-month subscription to Nomi.ai (about $65) so she could have fun creating and having a A.I. friend. Is this stupid?

Dear Bro, What a terrific novel idea! There are several apps and companies dabbling in this new field, some specializing in areas like emotional support. Read reviews so you get a feel for the range of options and the hidden problems. NomiAI has a free version on Google Play your sis should try (as do other companies) before buying. Maybe do this free trial as a brother-sister project together before she leaves, so the AI will become an ongoing bond and topic the two of you can always talk about, and troubleshoot as needed. -SQ

Manners v Etiquette

Dear Readers, You want that extra edge in life so let’s get etiquette-educated. A common question is what’s the difference between manners and etiquette? Answer: Slight, but critical. Like between coal and a diamond. Etiquette is ingrained in a person’s personality, it is a way of living. Manners are tools you pull out as needed and guide everyday actions, -eat with your mouth closed. Etiquette is a step above, it adds finesse -the specific rules for specific situations (knowing which utensil to use in a formal dinner setting; dances well, at least basic moves; listen with interest, full attention and eye contact). Overall, etiquette's goals are to make others feel valued and respected (from the waitstaff to the CEO), is honest, and keeps confidences. 

Above all, do no harm. For further info, the internet has great articles for what is a gentleman or gentlewoman. I highly recommend reading, or giving to a favorite person, Ethan Hawke's small but powerful book, Rules For A Knight. -SQ

What Is A Gentleman?

Dear All, There’s always lots of questions and confusion about the traits of a modern gentleman. Some of my favorites truths are: A gentleman -

1) always carries cash (think Woody Harrelson)

2) always goes out of his way to show chivalry is alive. Good manners, good morals, holds himself to a higher standard (think Knights Templar)

3) charismatic blend of traditional values, morals, and manners with contemporary norms (JFK and Bono)

4) doesn’t gossip, always discreet (a confidant)

5) insatiable thirst for knowledge, and contribution to the greater good (Socrates)

6) kindness of heart, realist about other’s hearts (Tom Hanks, Matt McConaughey)

7) confidence without arrogance (Bill Gates. NOT Elon Musk)

8) knows when to hold them, when to fold them, when to walk away, and when to fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke (sorry, personal motto - FEITCTAJ). -SQ

What are your ideal traits for the high standards required to be deemed a gentle person? 

Narcissist or Something Else?

Dear S.Q. I’m tired of idiots calling others narcissist. What’s the accurate term for self-centered assholes?

Dear Tired, Pick something and you’ll find it exists within a range. Red? (On a spectrum) from orange-red to red-violet. Happy? From slight smile to wet-your-pants side-splitter. 

Relationships? survive on 1) balance of give-and-take, AND 2) empathy. On one extreme, someone only gives, and exists on the emotions of others, never developing their own personality -they are called fragile or over-givers. To the other extreme, where someone only takes, and cannot, or will not, feel how others feel - they are called self- centered. 

Self-centered? This category of self-centered people has a very narrow band-width; these are people who only respond when, "it benefits me" or "it's about me." On one extreme are the takers who won’t get in synch with other’s feelings -they are called assholes. On the other extreme are those that ALWAYS take and are INCAPABLE of feeling how others feel -this is the Narcissist. Note: Narcissistic Personality Disorder worldwide is around 1-5%. In true form, a rare, almost mythical entity in the general population, but who thrives in abundance in environments that worship their charisma and inflated accomplishments, like politics, entertainment, sales and marketing, corporate management, and scam artist. -S.Q, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist

Hic Sunt Dracones (Here Be Dragons)

Dear Readers, While writing my book about dating after 50, the topic of sex often came up. To go all the way, so to speak, or just go for companionship. So naturally, elder sex lead to discussions of sex toys, which lead to remote-controlled sex toys for couples while apart, and then the big taboo -sexbots. Now there's a million dollar industry no one talks about. "Sexy.ai was the first, or at least one of the first on-line AI porn generators that as of 2023, allowed paying members ($10 per month) to create a customized AI sexbots that feature in 10 different actions or scenes... Customized bots, wow, an improved version of those days-gone-by crude, plastic life-size, blow-up boy-toys or darling doxies... What can possibly go wrong? Ask the dragons, for they are the keeper of secrets." (page 421). -SQ

Enjoy more startling facts and fiction in Cyber Frogs And Princes: A Sex Manual Of On-Line Dating After 50 by Suze Q on Amazon.