Love-Hate Boundaries

Dear Suze Q. Our adult daughter stayed with us for a disastrous weekend. She got so drunk she slept 24 hours, then bought more alcohol. My wife wouldn't leave her alone until she went to the E.R., against my wishes that she tough it out alone like every drunk I've ever known. They fixed her up momentarily, but she missed her flight home, jeopardizing her job and live-in relationship. Our daughter thanked her mom for stopping her from leaving the house to buy more alcohol and wished I set limits better. I was stunned and saddened. 

Dear Dad, doing nothing like you wanted can be the right call but not as a knee-jerk decision or made emotionally when angry. People of all ages want to know the boundaries of acceptable behavior. Children especially, even adult children. We live in a rule-based society and limits/boundaries teach you how to act. With consequences; -positive for playing within the rules, and negative for not. Imprisoning her until she went to the ER was a hard limit that needed to be enforced and the consequence for her self-destructive drinking behavior under your roof. Tough love saves lives. -SQ

My Mistake

Sometimes, when dating in the cyber pond, your new frog (possible prince) is so annoying, or awful in ways you didn't expect, and now you're stuck. This happened to me when I didn't have the luxury of just walking away because I'd invited him for the weekend and he'd bought a non-refundable airline ticket.

For the whole ugly short story, turn to page 261 in SQ's debut book: Cyber Frogs And Princes: A Sex Manual Of On-Line Dating After 50 available on Amazon, Google Books, and Walmart. -SQ

LONNIE J.

Our Time Name:     Desert Dude

Frog Type:               Average Joe

"When he stepped off the plane, I wanted to disappear." Why, you wonder? Because the above t-shirt he wore as his first favorable impression for a possible lifelong mate had ridden up over his prominent beer-belly. When he smiled, all that registered for me was how yellow his teeth were. "Immediately, the laid-back woman he thought that he was meeting turned into a frenetic ball of energy, rarely stopping to be touched all weekend... Once I've gotten myself into the mindset that a man is not for me, I give up trying to see the positive side or how to make the relationship work. Rather, I throw all of my imagination into how quickly I can cut my losses. Not that I kicked Lonnie out the door or faked a sore throat that was COVID-positive, but those options did cross my mind." I didn't text, "I'm a hyperactive looney-tune who can't stand your touch, out-of-shape body, horrible choice of clothes, or that you talk with a full mouth," instead -you're great, but we're not compatible. And that was that. -SQ

   

Held To A Higher Standard

Dear S.Q. I'm a 45-year-old happily married man with two kids under 5, not yet in school, not ready for baseball. I married my wife because we were both party heavy and life was fun. Not so much now. I recently stopped smoking at my wife's insistence, maybe nagging. Did I make a mistake?

Dear Dad, Like all of us, I'm sure you made a mistake. Or 10. Which ones are you talking about? Bingeing in your mid-40s when most married couples have matured from recklessness to moderation? Smoking carcinogens around toddlers whose lungs and immune systems are not fully developed, jeopardizing their lifelong health? Or marrying someone with your good and bad habits, whom you love enough to change and grow old with, and evolve into a morally worthy father? According to Orphan X, "It's a sacred oath to raise someone. If you take on that responsibility, you hold yourself to a higher standard. A sacred oath to let them grow properly." It's time you chose. -SQ

Thoroughly Modern Dying

Dear Readers, A mentor in my early psychology career recently died. He was an influential figure with friends, admirers, and colleagues even after his retirement years ago. Although our contact was generally Christmas cards, I was honored to stay in the loop of family news. His sons posted a short announcement of his passing on his social media site with plans for a future celebration of life, welcoming all who wanted to attend. I responded with a private message to the sons, and they replied with a personal note and emoji 🖤.

I marveled how different, efficient yet warm, this notification of his passing was compared with only a few, short years ago when a family member would inform someone in the inner circle, who told someone else, someone else… Heartfelt sympathy dribbled in for months with cards, flowers, drop-in friends, with and without food and stories, so that grieving and healing was so raw that getting on with living was interrupted. Social media is a marvelous mechanism for simplifying in a personalized post the pain of reporting a great loss. The message is open to interpretation because there are no Miss Manners rules for this 21st century life event. What are your thoughts, Readers, on right and wrong etiquette? -SQ

Under the Skirt

There were some frogs I’ve dated so bold they took away my breath. But it takes more to sustain love than shock and awe. Such an example was -

Chapter 33: DON K. 

Silver Singles Dating App Name: Come Fly with Me

Frog Type: Sex Teaser

His profile said he was a pilot, but whether he owned his own Airbus A340 or a crop duster was a mystery. When we finally met at my favorite local restaurant, The Black Cow, “He wanted to hear about my experiences on Silver Singles. Specifically, if I’d slept with any of those men -yes. More precisely, that I’d slept with any of those men on a first date  -yes, again. He leaned in with his whole body, and reflexively I did also so that our legs touched. He stroked my hands with his thumb, lowered his voice in a conspiratorial whisper, and declared that he liked older, good-looking woman because they were attentive listeners and brought years of sexual experience to the ultimate pleasure pastime. With his free hand, under the table, he gripped the flesh of my inner thigh, then roughly slid up his spread fingers… He was a stark contrast to the first, and most memorable man, who had hungrily stroked my inner thighs in public some 40 years ago. That man I married.” 

 Cyber Frogs and Princes: A Sex Manual of On-Line Dating After 50 by Suze Q continues the tale. Available on Amazon, Google Books, and even Walmart! -SQ

Bondage and Red Cross, A Book Excerpt

Chapter 26: BAT J. 

Elite Dating App Name: Masterson

Frog Type:                      Director

“As it turned out, he was in the hospitality business… As if an idea had just popped into his head, he asked if I’d even been, or would enjoy joining him on a trip to an all-nude luxury resort in the South of France… He’d pick up tickets today if I would like to go…

Bat: Would you be interested in bondage? There is a B&B in Salinas, only five hours drive up Pacific Coast Highway, with a fully equipped dungeon that caters to the ‘kink community’… I know the owners of Luxury Lifestyle Vacations. They have an international travel agency with 5-star hotels and luxury cruises for swingers. Are you interested in sex with a stranger? Condoms are readily available, but STD tests are not required…”

For the before and after stories, pick up a copy of  Cyber Frogs And Princes: A Sex Manual Of On-Line Dating After 50 by Suze Q available on Amazon, Google Books, and Walmart. 💋

“Must Be Currently Employed”

Dear S.Q. In my early 60s, I’ve found that full-time retirement isn’t for me. A self-employed handyman all my life, I’m done with wearing tool bags, hefting and lifting, and crawling on my knees. I’ve applied at places that don’t call back or their ads say “must be currently employed,” -isn’t this discrimination? 

Dear Handy, You’ve got a valuable skill so keep that foremost in your mind and sales pitch. And choosing to work rather than relaxing is commendable too. Gaps in your resume assume you’re lazy, difficult, or some other undesirable trait, but whether it’s discrimination and illegal depends on the state and  specific circumstances. Concentrate on selling your expertise and experience to employers who know your value, like home-improvement stores, or websites like Indeed or Monster.com. -SQ