Hurting Lover

Dear Suze, I want to move a relationship to the next level but there are warning signs.  Sara, (not her real name) talks to everyone -friends, acquaintances, or strangers.  She doesn't seem to know that this is flirting.  I tell her it's inappropriate and I don't like it.  The other day she told the pizza delivery guy how fast he was and asked if he was new.  He was eating this up.  She gave him $8 after I told her to give him a $3 tip.  I didn't like her behavior and told her so.  She called me controlling and started a fight that ruined the evening.  Sara is clueless.  I am trying to protect her.  I love Sara, but she makes me crazy when other men talk to her and she acts so inappropriate.  Does this sound like a doomed relationship? Maybe I should move on.  Signed, Hurting Lover.

Dear Hurting,  Yes, you should move on -for Sara's sake.  You ARE attempting to control her, aren't you?  You told her you don't like her talking to strangers and to stop it, including the pizza guy.  You're trying to destroy her outgoing personality by manipulating her into believing that you are just trying to "protect her."You do not love Sara for who she is and your desire to change her into who you want her to be is not healthy.  If you don't control your need for power and dominance over her, your behavior can become abusive.  And yes, you should move on also.  Consider working with a mental health professional to understand your need for control, that often stems from anxiety and fear, and to change your behavior by learning successful ways to get your needs met without crushing those of other people.  Only then can you and a real lover be happy and share a more equal balance-of-power within a relationship.  Without help, I'm afraid you are likely to continue your cycle of doomed relationships.  Change will be hard work but the rewards will be worthwhile.  Be patient. SQ