Momma’s Son

Dear Suze, I’m dating in my late 60s, and jeez, I've met all those frog types to avoid listed in your book. Finally, I found a prince who has a ton of good qualities and with the stand-out feature of adoring his aged mother. I am charmed!

Dear Princess Charmed, A man who loves his mother in a healthy way has the makings of an exceptionally good man. He is the culmination of the mother that raised him with love, respect, and the healthy life lessons learned through discipline. Secure in his masculinity, he knows about unconditional love and how to communicate a wide range of honest feelings while maintaining an emphatic bond. A romantic, a gentleman, and a role-model. Congrat on striking gold! Read more in my Chapter What You Should Know About: The Core of a Man, in Cyber Frogs And Princes: A Sex Manual of On-Line Dating After 50 by Suze Q. Available on Amazon, Google Books and Walmart, Whoo Hoo! -SQ

“I Got Your Nose!”

Dear Suze Q. My uncle teased his young daughter at a neighborhood gathering where he pretended to pluck her nose and showed her the stolen body part. She shrieked with laughter, but it almost started a major ruckus and several people got visibly upset. What happened?

Dear Niece, This game is only familiar and funny in some English-speaking countries. The hand position used with the alleged stolen nose is also known as the "fig sign," which is an offensive or obscene gesture in cultures such as Turkey, where it is the equivalent of giving the "middle finger;" Japan, where it refers to copulation; or other countries where it is used to ward off the "evil eye," insult someone, or deny a request. Sometimes, it's important to use your words to explain even the most innocent of gestures. ✌ -SQ

CAN Old Dogs Learn New Tricks: Recency (And Primacy) Effect Bias

3         8         5         1        7       2     9    4   6   10

Dear S.Q. We're going to Las Vegas and my wife wants to stay at the hotel where her sister recently won $6,000.00 at a "one-armed bandit." She's convinced that it's a winning slot machine. How to convince her this is nuts?

Dear Gambler, Overcoming magical thinking is tough, especially in L.V. where enchantment built a mega industry in a dessert that originally didn't even have water. The Recency Effect is where recent events are favored over past events, and is another one of the cognitive bias that colors people’s thinking, usually without their awareness. 

The last thing (story, event, person) you encountered is remembered more positively. Read the numbers above, in order, and out loud. Which one do you remember first? (Recency is closely linked, and opposite of, primacy bias, -over-weighing the first information you receive). The mind is miraculous, but it takes shortcuts for efficiency. The trick is: review all the information, summarize pros and cons accurately. Remind your wife of the 10 times before that her sister lost her shirt at this casino. -SQ

CAN Old Dogs Learn New Tricks: Halo and Devil Effect Bias

Dear Suze Q, My friend is so black and white that I cringe. Things are over-the-top great, especially people, or barely register on her Richter Scale. What happened to mediocre, moderate, middle?

Dear Friend, The halo or devil/horn effect is when someone latches onto one positive or negative trait, such as attractiveness, about another person that then overrides all logic and becomes the brain’s shortcut, (and lazy thinking) that everything about them must be good or bad. People accustomed to making snap judgements are especially susceptible. The trick is to force yourself to think in the gray areas, outside the box, with critical deep-dive. Always rethink your thinking. -SQ

 

Hic Sunt Dracones (Here be Dragons): Part 3, p. 423

 "Since time began, man has been curious. It's one of our superpowers that keeps us alert and alive. We focus on an unknown danger by primitive warning signs, but like forbidden fruit, we are often drawn to it. Then we tame it, and it loses its fear factor. Then we integrate the experience as normal, not deviant, and with that inclusion, we expand and broaden our range of acceptance. With this learning method, we achieve mastery of the once unknown and build a powerful cache in our armories of intelligence. Only time will tell if we master robots or will they enslave us? Or a better case scenario -we achieve a cooperative partnership." Hopefully, this sample of my debut book available on Google Books, Walmart, and Amazon, Cyber Frogs And Princes: A Sex Manual Of On-Line Dating After 50 by Suze Q will get your cerebral and bodily juices flowing. Cheers, S.Q

Consensual Non-Monogamy. Really? Say What?

Dear S. Q. My daughter told me and her father to stop asking if she’ll marry her long-term beau and have babies. She explained she’s in a “consensual non-monogamous” relationship with her guy where they live together and love each other but still date others. I was aghast. I dated others too until I was ready to give them up and say “I do” with her father. But, to live with him, say “ta ta, I’m going to sleep with another guy tonight. I’ll see you in the morning.” How the hell does that work?

Dear Mom, it’s a lot, and how it works in the long run is yet to be determined. First -the definition: partners (monogamous) who consent (AGREE) to be non-monogamous. Under specifically defined and honestly AGREED upon arrangements, the couple allows romantic/sexual connection with more than each other. Examples include “swingers” who we old folks have at least heard of, to creative combinations of “polyamory” that fit the couple. In the 1990s, the majority of couples lived together before marriage, so maybe it’s a natural outcome to explore this latest frontier of intimacy. -SQ

CAN Old Dogs Learn New Tricks: Dunning-Kruger Effect

Dear Readers, I often hear legitimate complaints from people who are miffed that someone with a bit of knowledge acts like they know it all.  Sometimes, it's just part of puffing yourself up to look good in the eyes of another who you are trying to impress. Sometimes, though, it's damn aggravating if their whole personality operates like this. It’s called the Dunning-Kruger Effect when people overestimate their limited knowledge or abilities. Who it hurts most is the person themselves because they don't know that they don't know their deficits, so they continue to look like braggarts rather than improving themselves and their skills. Naturally, it hurts the rest of their contacts if the idiot is actually put in charge. Trick is, never put a blowhard in charge unless he's brilliant and knows his shit. -SQ

No Sex

Dear S. Q. My 30 year-old, college-educated daughter is navigating a new world in which both of our knowledge and experience is like falling down a rabbit hole. By her age, I was a sexual diva with a hot career and distance thoughts of marriage and kids. She's struggling to find a descent job with any kind of benefits, piecing together gigs and short-term contracts. And sex -her 20 year-old boyfriends were jerks (no different than mine) but she and her friends abstain rather than enjoy the hell out of lovers and losers. Where's this headed?

Dear Mom, Let's start with sex, never a dull topic. The world's attitude toward sex has always had its ups and downs, from buttoned-up Victorian, to Roaring 20s flappers, to 1970 Flower Power (remember the birth control pill was introduced in the 1960), back to sex fears of AIDS in the 80s, to the introduction of the internet and explosions of all sorts beginning in the 1990s. True that sex is significantly down worldwide, and true also that fewer young adults are in relationships where sex regularly occurs. There are no simple reasons for the shift our young are going through, but plenty of speculation. Where it's headed is where it always has, some glorious unknown, where us elders hold their hands until they let go, and support their good choices thereafter. And, naturally, "Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in." -Robert Frost and S.Q.   

CAN Old Dogs Learn New Tricks: Confirmatory Bias

Dear S.Q. I’ve stopped listening to U.S. national and international news. This government makes me sick to be an American. I argue on-line with people who used to be friends but think Trump is a god and dismiss facts that make him unacceptable as a leader. Who’s crazy here?

Dear American, No one’s crazy but many have succumbed to “confirmatory bias.” This is defined as believing new information that only agrees with their views; follow news and social media that shares their belief or spin facts that support their narrative; refuse to consider opposing perspectives; and dismiss all logical and rational facts disagreeing with their conviction. 

Why does this happen? Because it’s easy. It’s easy to believe what you believe, share a comfy conversation with like-minded friends, feel righteous (with pumped up self-esteem) knowing others think as you do. So, WE must be right. Right? Wrong. Not challenging your own conclusions when opposing facts emerge is lazy thinking. And we all do it. The trick is to recognize when you are doing it and decide if you want to put in the extra mental resources to make an informed, logical opinion of value or remain brain-dead. -SQ

AI Intrusion

Dear Suze, My iPad just alerted me that Gemini Apps, an AI Google service has been added without my permission for 48 hours and recommends I keep the setting “on” so my chats pick up from where I left off “and helps improve Google services, including AI models.” Why the fuck is AI taking over my computer?

Dear Used and Abused, AI is everywhere and national and international regulations and laws are not ready to deal with safeguarding the consumer. To prevent Gemini pop-ups, go to Settings ➡️ Apps ➡️ Default Apps ➡️ Digital assistant app. Tap on Device/digital assistant app, and select None or Google Assistant (instead of Gemini). One disabled robot at a time. Power to the people. -SQ

CAN Old Dogs Learn New Tricks: Anchoring Bias

Dear SQ, My husband and I have young children and have decided to buy our first dog. He can’t let go of the idea of a chihuahua, remembering his sister who raved about her "chi-chi." I’ve read they can be aggressive to people and other dogs, snapping when threatened. My husband thinks they’re friendly if raised right. 

Dear Mom, Because your husband keeps reverting to this breed, despite your information that the dog could be dangerous to your children, is a sign that something else is going on. Perhaps he’s overly influenced by the first piece of information he heard -the praise of a chihuahua from his sister, which is termed an “anchoring bias." This dog breed became "anchored" as the correct and only choice. Allowing the first random piece of information to act as the ultimate answer often leads to wrong choices, possibly this one. Trick is, acknowledge his anchor, that this dog is great, but not for your family. Insist on considering other breeds that loves children, not "ankle biters" that threaten to hurt them.  -SQ

Hic Sunt Dracones (Here be Dragons): Part 2, p. 423-424

 

"While sexbots are already here and will continue to evolve, the simple truth is that we are 100 percent human and we are 100 percent complex, social creatures who are also evolving. We survived other species and tribes by cultivating trust, intimacy, friendship, cooperation, curiosity, and love. These things cannot be equally replicated with machine-learned algorithms. When we stare into the eyes of a potential mate, the hormones flow, the synapses spark, and the imagination spins. Eyes of glass and breasts without hearts cannot transmit empathy, the glue that holds us together, any more than a silicone body can substitute indefinitely for the unique, imperfect entity we call human. But, as we solve some of these problems and new ones emerge, keep your eye on the dragons for they know where the dangers lie. 

I hope this little thought exercise was entertaining and you'll enjoy the rest of my debut novel, available on Amazon, Cyber Frogs And Princes: A Sex Manual Of On-Line Dating After 50 by Suze Q.  Cheers, S.Q

Mismatched Sense Of Humor

Dear S. Q. My sometimes girlfriend thinks we should see a relationship counselor because we have mismatched humor styles. She’s very much a girly-girl (fashion, extravert, and social media butterfly) and laughs at anything, I’m an engineer who’s pretty squared-away although I like a good intellectual mind-bender. She brings out my energy and I love her, but seeing a counselor? How will that help? 

Dear No Joke, Similar sense of humor maybe the least of your problems. Are your true connections to others mainly intellectually and her’s social? A relationship counselor could delve beyond the humor differences and reveal other problems or common connections. Do you really want to look deeply at yourself and your relationship? Only go if you’re willing to do the hard work of self-insight. -SQ

Signal For Help

Dear Suze, I knew a newly married friend with a controlling husband who used a 3-part hand-signal, an open palm facing her friend, tucked her thumb into the palm, and closed her 4 fingers over her thumb. I know this is a sign she’s being abused. What to do? 

Dear Concerned, Without knowing anything further, it’s easy to think the worst, like her life was in immediate danger. And you might be right. The Signal for Help was created in 2020 by the Canadian Women's Foundation as a single continuous hand movement of three-parts, (rather than a sign held in one position), so that the gesture was easily visible, and the message clearly sent was, "reach out to me safely." NOT a request to call emergency services. Hopefully, this will become a universal signal. -SQ

NomiAI companion

Dear Suze Q. My sister is moving out of state to college and she’s worried she won’t make friends because she’s so shy. Some assure her she’ll be fine, others suggest a journal, watch movies, text often. I was thinking of giving her a 4-month subscription to Nomi.ai (about $65) so she could have fun creating and having a A.I. friend. Is this stupid?

Dear Bro, What a terrific novel idea! There are several apps and companies dabbling in this new field, some specializing in areas like emotional support. Read reviews so you get a feel for the range of options and the hidden problems. NomiAI has a free version on Google Play your sis should try (as do other companies) before buying. Maybe do this free trial as a brother-sister project together before she leaves, so the AI will become an ongoing bond and topic the two of you can always talk about, and troubleshoot as needed. -SQ

Manners v Etiquette

Dear Readers, You want that extra edge in life so let’s get etiquette-educated. A common question is what’s the difference between manners and etiquette? Answer: Slight, but critical. Like between coal and a diamond. Etiquette is ingrained in a person’s personality, it is a way of living. Manners are tools you pull out as needed and guide everyday actions, -eat with your mouth closed. Etiquette is a step above, it adds finesse -the specific rules for specific situations (knowing which utensil to use in a formal dinner setting; dances well, at least basic moves; listen with interest, full attention and eye contact). Overall, etiquette's goals are to make others feel valued and respected (from the waitstaff to the CEO), is honest, and keeps confidences. 

Above all, do no harm. For further info, the internet has great articles for what is a gentleman or gentlewoman. I highly recommend reading, or giving to a favorite person, Ethan Hawke's small but powerful book, Rules For A Knight. -SQ

What Is A Gentleman?

Dear All, There’s always lots of questions and confusion about the traits of a modern gentleman. Some of my favorites truths are: A gentleman -

1) always carries cash (think Woody Harrelson)

2) always goes out of his way to show chivalry is alive. Good manners, good morals, holds himself to a higher standard (think Knights Templar)

3) charismatic blend of traditional values, morals, and manners with contemporary norms (JFK and Bono)

4) doesn’t gossip, always discreet (a confidant)

5) insatiable thirst for knowledge, and contribution to the greater good (Socrates)

6) kindness of heart, realist about other’s hearts (Tom Hanks, Matt McConaughey)

7) confidence without arrogance (Bill Gates. NOT Elon Musk)

8) knows when to hold them, when to fold them, when to walk away, and when to fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke (sorry, personal motto - FEITCTAJ). -SQ

What are your ideal traits for the high standards required to be deemed a gentle person? 

Narcissist or Something Else?

Dear S.Q. I’m tired of idiots calling others narcissist. What’s the accurate term for self-centered assholes?

Dear Tired, Pick something and you’ll find it exists within a range. Red? (On a spectrum) from orange-red to red-violet. Happy? From slight smile to wet-your-pants side-splitter. 

Relationships? survive on 1) balance of give-and-take, AND 2) empathy. On one extreme, someone only gives, and exists on the emotions of others, never developing their own personality -they are called fragile or over-givers. To the other extreme, where someone only takes, and cannot, or will not, feel how others feel - they are called self- centered. 

Self-centered? This category of self-centered people has a very narrow band-width; these are people who only respond when, "it benefits me" or "it's about me." On one extreme are the takers who won’t get in synch with other’s feelings -they are called assholes. On the other extreme are those that ALWAYS take and are INCAPABLE of feeling how others feel -this is the Narcissist. Note: Narcissistic Personality Disorder worldwide is around 1-5%. In true form, a rare, almost mythical entity in the general population, but who thrives in abundance in environments that worship their charisma and inflated accomplishments, like politics, entertainment, sales and marketing, corporate management, and scam artist. -S.Q, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist

Hic Sunt Dracones (Here Be Dragons)

Dear Readers, While writing my book about dating after 50, the topic of sex often came up. To go all the way, so to speak, or just go for companionship. So naturally, elder sex lead to discussions of sex toys, which lead to remote-controlled sex toys for couples while apart, and then the big taboo -sexbots. Now there's a million dollar industry no one talks about. "Sexy.ai was the first, or at least one of the first on-line AI porn generators that as of 2023, allowed paying members ($10 per month) to create a customized AI sexbots that feature in 10 different actions or scenes... Customized bots, wow, an improved version of those days-gone-by crude, plastic life-size, blow-up boy-toys or darling doxies... What can possibly go wrong? Ask the dragons, for they are the keeper of secrets." (page 421). -SQ

Enjoy more startling facts and fiction in Cyber Frogs And Princes: A Sex Manual Of On-Line Dating After 50 by Suze Q on Amazon.

 

 

Predicting the Future

Dear Suze Q, I love my fiancé but he micro-cheats. Not sex, but touching and flirting, in front of me and when I’m not around (according to my friends). We met at work when he was unhappily married. He divorced her for me. My friends say he’ll leave me for someone else, but I’m hopeful it’s not true. 

Dear Dismissive Fiancée, The best indicator of future behavior is… All together now. Repeat with me and Zoltar… “The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.” -SQ